Sweets & Stouts: "The Phone" Incident.

Let me tell you a little story. Pull up your napsack and let me recount the most embarrassing moment of my parenting life.

Scratch that. One of the two most embarrassing moments. There is "The Phone" and the "The Poop" incident.

Let me just preface this by saying that Lil'Dude was a very very hard one / two year old. He wasn't Mr. Attitude like Lil'Guy. He was all over the place. I know what you're thinking "all two year olds are". Well take what your vision of a normal two year old would act like that and triple it. No, quadruple it. Then add in a kid that is extremely balanced, coordinated, and can and does get into everything that a five year old can. Oh, and with a curiousity that never ends. Ever.

Eeeeeeeeever. Foreeeeeeever. Ha ha, Sandlot. Good times. That is a whole other post though.

This particular parenting fail is "The Phone" incident. We'll talk about "The Poop" incident later. But first I have to set the stage for you. I had just joined a playgroup, my very first playgroup. Lil'Dude was about 2 and Lil'Guy was....uhhhh.....16 months younger than that. Mom of the year right here.

I had just got invited to a playdate (my very first) swimming at one of the lovely ladies homes. Let's call her Jannellybean. I mean it's a fake name - let's have it be fun right? I was on my best parenting behavior. Cutest clothes were worn, boys were prepared with the proper threats.

So we go to Jannellybean's house and there is also a couple of other moms there with their kiddos. We are all getting our kids dressed in swimsuits. That is so not as simple as it sounds. Between the swimtrunks, the swim diapers, the sunscreen, it's like wrestling cats. In water. Next to a herd of deer. In the rain. On the moon.

Eh hem.

There is a gate around the pool for kids, so the kids are all standing outside the gate. I can't begin to tell you the amount of anxiety I am feeling at this moment just having Lil'Dude outside without me. The kids begin to throw beach balls up over the fence into the pool. It's fun, they are laughing, I am relaxing.

Then.

Then it happens. *cue the music*

The back door is open. I am inside. Lil'Dude is outside. He walks inside. Our eyes meet. Then we both look over to the right slowly and see it. The phone. Jannelleybean's new phone. On the coffee table. Our eyes meet again. I am now terrified as I literally can see the idea pop into his head. He reaches out. Time slows.

At the same time I start to move, he finds the phone. Starts running to the back door with said phone. I begin to scream "Noooooooo" he runs faster, time picks up pace. Then all time stops.

The phone is now being thrown over the gate. Into the pool. I am running, knocking over Lil'Guy on the way, who starts screaming. The phone drops into the pool. Jannelleybean jumps into the pool fully clothed to retrieve the phone. Lil'Dude turns to look smugly at me, defiance writing on his face. That is what throws me over the edge.

I am steaming at this point. Since this is playgroup, I want to discipline the "right" way, so what is that? What do you do when all you want to do is sucker punch your child. Then catch the first flight to Reno, screaming "I am so out of here!" with a wierd twitch in your eye to never be recovered from. But I pulled it together. Despite the horrible things I wanted to do to my child at the time, which the only thing stopping me at that point was the threat of jail. Which to be frank sounded like a vacation at the time.

I did what all good parents would do, set Lil'Dude firmly in timeout, promising them the multitude of punishments to come when we are home through gritted teeth. Tears forming in my eyes from straining to keep the smile plastered on my face at new mommy friends while wondering if they think the smoke coming out of my ears is weird.

The day I almost literally died of embarrassment. And fury.

Thankfully Janelleybean was awesome, is awesome, and is one of my best friends now.