Today we will meet her.
Can I describe the feelings I am having right now?
Let me set the scene. It's 5am, I am on the couch in our awesome hotel room (shout out to my friends for the recommendation) and I'm trying not to wake anyone. I am holding in tears.
I have woken up four times already with disappointment as I see it's still not morning. This is a good sign. Usually when I'm not able to sleep means things will really happen. Each time I get a good nights sleep, things fall apart. Which is quite funny because I am an awesome sleeper and I think this is only the third time I have not been able to sleep like this because of a potential situation...the other two being each of my boys.
Now, as far as how I am feeling? I am elated, giddy, excited, and so nervous. I want to call it and say that baby girl is my daughter (heart stopping) but there is a guard around my heart from all those "might be's" that weren't. So I am also terrified.
Because I think I already love her.
Which means I will fall apart if this doesn't work out. I know we need to focus on the positive, hope that if it "was meant to be, it will". But. I want her. Her. I want her giggles and smiles and cries and I want to be the person who is calming her and loving her and lifting her up to do great things.
To admit that is terrifying, because if this doesn't happen (what I admit is a slim chance, but you can never be certain), when everyone asks how I am doing...and I smile and say "Oh it's fine, we know the right child will come our way." They will all know, it's a big fat lie and I am dying a little inside.
So now that we have gotten that out of the way, I can also tell you that I am so hopeful. I am ready to begin the journey. I am ready to meet her and to let her meet us. I am 80% excited and 20% scared out of my mind....with a nice coating of 100% nervous. What if she doesn't like me? What if I talk to loud? What if I scare her? Will my boys be okay? Will they like her? Will we say the right things? What if she hates me?
Most of all....oh man, most of all I just want that baby girl to be in our home, and I want to love her with all of my soul and watch her receive the same love from Brewerman and my beautiful boys. I want to give her everything she would ever need and about 75% of everything she would ever want just as we do the boys. I want to start the work toward becoming a family of five. I want to watch as the boys become just as fiercely protective ovr her as they are of each other.
As long as she doesn't even think about touching the Ninja Turtles.