My children, us, and the birth families all have open adoptions. This means we have contact with the birth family, as much as what works for us. All three of us.
Open adoption is so much more than sending a picture or visiting someone every now and then. It's establishing a relationship. And relationships take work. But who is it best for? Why is it best?
I believe open adoption, when able, is the best for the child. That is why we do it. The child doesn't ever have to wonder why, if they do, they can call their birth parent. Get it straight from the source. They can talk to them, see them, share with them. Love them. See the love they get back. Grow up with them. They see us, the adoptive parents allowing them to love their birth parents just from us loving them too, and vice versa. They never grow up wondering what they look like, who they get things from, who is their other family? Does it take away every pain? No. Hell no. Adoption is about loss, all the way around, but mainly for the adoptee. Does that mean they will forever be in pain? No also.
Is open adoption best for the birth parents? Yes and no. It's hard on them. Some people think we do it for them, like we are doing them a favor. Uh, no. It's a lot like opening a burn wound, then dipping it in salt. Then burning it again. Seeing the kids call another person mommy / daddy, seeing them happy without them. Having the child not remember them when they are very young. Having them prefer their mom / dad. But I do believe the overall effect is better on them, eventually. They don't have as many secret fears, they see their child, see their happiness (a double edged sword), see them growing up, experiencing that. I have an extreme respect for birthparents period, but those in open adoptions just awe me. You could only continue for your child, because they too know this is best for them.
Is open adoption best for the adoptive parents? Yes and no. It's hard on them too. It's not easy getting constantly reminded that you are not your child's one and only mother. Petty? Yup. But true. It's not easy seeing them need their birth family. Seeing a place in your child's heart and soul that you can't fill.. Knowing they love another mother too, just as deeply. Seeing the similarities that they didn't get from you. Constantly reminded of what us infertile people will never have. But there is so much beauty in open adoption. Seeing where your children get that funny smile. Seeing them laugh with their other family and establishing some real bonds. There is nothing like being able to share the pride you have of your child with someone who is so there. Someone who gets it, and thinks the same. It's also about having so many less of those secret fears. Will the birthparents regret this? Do they hate me? Will they hate me? Am I good enough? Do they love us too? Did I do a good job? Do they remember us? Are we a family?
So basically, yup, open adoption is hard on the adoptive and birth parents, but for petty reasons that frankly are our insecurities, things we need to deal with, because that isn't fair to perpetuate those feelings on to our children.
Open adoption isn't perfect. It just is a different way, a beautiful tangled web between three people. Two sets of parents who just want what's best for the child. Does it work? Yes. Does it always work? No. Is it the only way? No.
But it's our way.
Open adoption is so much more than sending a picture or visiting someone every now and then. It's establishing a relationship. And relationships take work. But who is it best for? Why is it best?
I believe open adoption, when able, is the best for the child. That is why we do it. The child doesn't ever have to wonder why, if they do, they can call their birth parent. Get it straight from the source. They can talk to them, see them, share with them. Love them. See the love they get back. Grow up with them. They see us, the adoptive parents allowing them to love their birth parents just from us loving them too, and vice versa. They never grow up wondering what they look like, who they get things from, who is their other family? Does it take away every pain? No. Hell no. Adoption is about loss, all the way around, but mainly for the adoptee. Does that mean they will forever be in pain? No also.
Is open adoption best for the birth parents? Yes and no. It's hard on them. Some people think we do it for them, like we are doing them a favor. Uh, no. It's a lot like opening a burn wound, then dipping it in salt. Then burning it again. Seeing the kids call another person mommy / daddy, seeing them happy without them. Having the child not remember them when they are very young. Having them prefer their mom / dad. But I do believe the overall effect is better on them, eventually. They don't have as many secret fears, they see their child, see their happiness (a double edged sword), see them growing up, experiencing that. I have an extreme respect for birthparents period, but those in open adoptions just awe me. You could only continue for your child, because they too know this is best for them.
Is open adoption best for the adoptive parents? Yes and no. It's hard on them too. It's not easy getting constantly reminded that you are not your child's one and only mother. Petty? Yup. But true. It's not easy seeing them need their birth family. Seeing a place in your child's heart and soul that you can't fill.. Knowing they love another mother too, just as deeply. Seeing the similarities that they didn't get from you. Constantly reminded of what us infertile people will never have. But there is so much beauty in open adoption. Seeing where your children get that funny smile. Seeing them laugh with their other family and establishing some real bonds. There is nothing like being able to share the pride you have of your child with someone who is so there. Someone who gets it, and thinks the same. It's also about having so many less of those secret fears. Will the birthparents regret this? Do they hate me? Will they hate me? Am I good enough? Do they love us too? Did I do a good job? Do they remember us? Are we a family?
So basically, yup, open adoption is hard on the adoptive and birth parents, but for petty reasons that frankly are our insecurities, things we need to deal with, because that isn't fair to perpetuate those feelings on to our children.
Open adoption isn't perfect. It just is a different way, a beautiful tangled web between three people. Two sets of parents who just want what's best for the child. Does it work? Yes. Does it always work? No. Is it the only way? No.
But it's our way.
Beautiful Natalie! You nailed it!
ReplyDeleteYou made some great points. My adoption was closed, as was my brothers in 81 and 84. I think it would be easier on the adoptive parents to chose a closed adoption so they can always be the ONLY parents, etc. But easiest isn't always the best option, and is sometimes selfish. You don't have the option (as you pointed out in a previous blog) but you know some parents don't even tell their kids they're adopted because it's easier on the parents. But speaking as a kid that was adopted, it would have been nice to have someone to call to ask questions. It sucked every time I had to fill out a family tree for school or medical form. I never even knew what ethnicity I was until I was able to get my adoption records (with personal info likes names, locations blacked out) when we started trying to get pregnant 3 years ago. My whole life people asked what my background was (since I'm tan) and then of course threw in their guesses...Hawaiian, Native American, Egyptian, Brazilian...I've heard them all. It's not fun to grow up not knowing who you are, just knowing people will always ask...which I think is incredibly rude, btw. And now that I do know, I have to deal with comments. At Christmas two years ago a 60 yr old guy married to my husband's aunt was discussing why he quit teaching at a certain school. He said it was going down hill. Then he looked to make sure a woman that married a diff uncle wasn't listening...and said to me and my husband "too many mexicans." He knew the other wife was Mexican but didn't suspect me. My eyes got big and I just walked my quarter mexican self away, holding my 12.5% mexican baby, not knowing what to say. So issues with being adopted and race never go away, so the more parents you have on hand to answer questions, the better! No situation is the same but if it's possible to allow bio parents to love your child, well that can be a great thing.
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