Sucker Punches of Grief

I wrote a little about infertility grief before right?

I have wrote about adoption and Hoo-Rah'ed about how awesome it is. I have talked about coming to terms with your infertility and not letting it consume you. Not letting it eat you up from the inside and using adoption as a "band-aid" of sorts.

I have talked about working through the grief, especially infertility grief prior to an adoption.

Now I'm going to talk about the grief again, but this time I am doing so with the risk of losing a little bit of respect from some people out there. People that don't understand, that haven't walked in the shoes of someone who has never and will never bear a child. I hope I don't. I hope I look like a real person. Unperfect, sometimes strong, sometimes very weak. I hope I don't really screw this up and this come out completely wrong. I hope I don't get hateful comments.

I am pretty raw and this is one of those blogs that I write without re-writing. I don't stop writing until the end and just send it.

It's one of those blogs that I should just not write. Easier that way, less risky. Let's keep it light and fluffy.

But I can't do it. I can't because maybe there is a person out there that also feels that way..and maybe just hearing that someone else goes through it will get through to them.

So here it goes. Deep breath.......



I love my kids.

I love them and love my life every bit as much as I would if I had given birth to my children. More maybe. I love their adoptions, I love our family, I love how it was made.

But.

There are times when I still grieve. Times when I still grieve the loss of the experience of pregnancy. I grieve the loss of never having that feel of a child in your womb. Feeling them grow, watching your body change to accumulate and make this tiny miracle inside you. The grief is not constant, it's not overwhelming..but it's there at random times. It's less and less as time goes on, but grief doesn't just go away. This is no different.

Deep breath....here is my confession:

I had a dream last night. A very very real-like dream. One you wake up from and you are surprised that it didn't really happen. The only time I have i ever had this specific type of dream. I dreamt that I was pregnant. Big full belly and all. I felt the baby in me kick and move. I wrapped my arms around my baby-belly. I laughed at my Lil'Dude and Lil'Guy as they put their ears to my belly and laughed at the sounds. I smiled at Brewerman as he felt the baby kick and looked shocked. I felt my body be pregnant in this dream...that may not mean much to some of you. But to me, it was huge. I have never dreamed that kind of dream before. Ever. Not even during the infertility. I usually have some sort of reason or "other-wordly" qualities to my dream where my head and heart are fully aware we are dreaming. But this was not like those times. I can't quite describe the feelings that I held as I felt being pregnant. I can't put it into a picture. I don't really want to actually. It's too personal, a little too raw. I will just tell you that it was like a door getting slammed in your face that you had totally forgotten about.

Here is what I want to write right now, what I feel like I "should" write: The dream was so weird! I knew this wasn't what God wanted for me. I am happy where I am and with everything. I don't even want that anymore! I totally didn't even care and I woke up laughing and wondering where the hell that dream came from.

Here is the reality: It freaking sucked. It was awful and lovely, and sad. I didn't want to wake up. I woke up feeling lonely. Like I got hit with a ton of bricks. I wanted it to be true. I still grieve. Yes...it was a big fat ugly reminder that I am going to have times where I still grieve. Times where I still miss that experience and get a little sad sometimes that I will never have that. I needed a little time to regroup and still now it makes me a little choked up to think about. I woke up in a funk and it's true, I did wonder where the hell that dream came from.

I don't think adoption is any less of an option. I am very very excited about a third adoption. I would be pretty freaked out if I found out I was pregnant, but it won't happen and that's okay. My body can not get pregnant. Please don't say "miracles happen". It won't, and that is okay. I am okay with that, more than that, I'm in love with how we have built our family and how we will be building our family again.

I just...

I just still have my moments where I grieve.

It hits you when you aren't looking, like grief does so well. Right when you think you are healed, it slams back home to you. It doesn't mean you are less of a person, or that you think any less of your kids that weren't brought to you in that manner. 

It means that you went through some trauma and it was very real, very raw, and it may still hurt at times.

Allow yourself to work through those feelings, let yourself be a little sad....allow your emotions to bend at their will. Don't force it. The next day you will feel better. You will once again be optimistic and hopeful. Grief won't be put on the back burner...if you try to shelve it, then it will grow.

But most of all, I'm trying not to beat myself up for it. I mean, does this mean that I am less of an adoptive parent? Am I unhealthy? Have I not worked through everything I needed to? I feel like I am being traitorous to my sons. Not true. My head knows that isn't true, it's totally separate. I wouldn't change a thing about my guys.

I know this.

But that horrendous bitch infertility still hurts. Sometimes a lot, sometimes very very little, sometimes not at all. It's normal for grief to come back. Why is it so darned unexpected then? I think I expect it to happen, but I forget about the pain. I forget about it. Maybe it's because of the upcoming adoption (no news from SW yet by the way). Maybe because it's so much easier to just "get pregnant". Or maybe, as grief, it just is. It's normal. I know this.

I know this, but still....still....it's still just a little sad for me at times. And this morning was one of those times.

Don't pity me, that isn't what this is about. Don't think you have to cheer me up, I'm not that sad. I'll be back to my regular crazy self tomorrow. It's just a little bit of honesty for tonight. A tiny blurb that may or may not help someone with the risk of throwing myself out there...maybe too much, maybe not.