Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Confessions of the Newly Approved

I know, I know. Anther darned adoption post.

Well it's on my brain constantly so if YOU are sick of hearing about it, imagine how tired of it I am!! UGH! Seriously a tiny part of myself just wants the baby to get here finally, just so the other part of myself can stop hearing about it.

In related news, I apparently have split personalities.

Anyways, yes this is another post regarding adoption. More like a confessional of some sorts. In a list fashion.(As you can tell, I'm a big list person. Is that annoying? We'll add it to the list.) I just realized today that I have done everything that I tell people who are waiting not to do. So, like a good girl who is going to share all the good and bad with adoption via this here blog....I'm posting them.

I have (ahem):

- Expected a phone call the minute after we were approved. No they didn't have our profiles yet, and, well, no our online profile wasn't activated...but I mean....they could have...I don't know...TOLD them about us?

- Bought my first baby thing....a little sweet Kimono from Gap. It's so soft and white so it can work either way. I am not sure why I think white is a good idea. One nuclear pants-bomb and that kimono is outta here.

- All of a sudden, when you are waiting, time slows. The day drags by...the week slows to a crawl. I don't know why that is....but it is. And it has happened to me.

- Not looked up one thing for our nursery. We are going to wait until baby is here to do it so I can do it gender-NOT neutral (so sick of gender neutral stuff). Okay that's a lie, I have...but not that much. I do need to so I will be ready, but for some reason this exhausts and saddens me. So I don't.

- Not stopped thinking about adoption. Consistently annoyingly persistently annoyingly constantly not stopped.

- Checked out the stats (which show no pertinent information at all) on our online profile 8 times a day. And that's just what I'm admitting to! I have also consistently checked the number of profiles listed under our agency. Which is stupid. But I don't care. I actually told myself the other day I wasn't going to except for once a week, that lasted a day and a half. Which was actually quite impressive to me.

- Turned in our profile and 5 minutes later thought of things that needed to be changed. Last night I had a dream that our social worker hated it and everyone at the agency was making fun of it and laughing at us behind our backs. No lie.

- Posted way too many posts regarding adoption and have been quite annoying to my friends talking about all the what ifs/plans/etc. if I get a baby at this time, at this time, or at this time.

- I got a call from an area code from our agency. Totally expected it to be our social worker. Instead it was a sales call and I hung up on them after a very snippy reply, completely pissed to the core of my being.

- Have been telling myself, quite sternly I might add, that it's going to take 12 months, and for some reason that stubborn person that is my other self is hearing 12 hours.

- Had Has a pretty thick case of the baby brain. Pretty sure I have forgot about 90% of what anyone has said to me.

- My emotional state may or may not be a ticking time bomb at any moment. What would make me irritated before has now turned me into that girl off the Exorcist.

- Compared our profile to every one out there and decided that ours is horrible, awful, no good, and then the next second - absolutely awesome.

- The big, ugly, nasty green giant has reared it's head. I am so jealous of all those people that get matched. Which, again, is stupid, because they have been waiting way longer than I have. However, one of my friends got placed with a baby last week (SO CUTE) and that was amazing. See? I'm not SO bad. It's just the strangers that I get all green and yucky over.

- Told everyone that I meet that we are in the process of adopting. Which means I get asked constantly about it by random strangers I met one time. Yay.

See? I really suck a bag and spit out an orange right?

What does that mean you ask? I don't know, but let's roll with it.
I mean come on, newbie mistakes right? Maybe by writing this I will get it through my thick skull that it's going to be 12 hours months. Hours, MONTHS, HOURS, MONTHS!!!!

I blame my mom. And dad...but let's face it...this is pretty much all on my mom.

It's her genes! I mean, come on, I was born impatient. I have zero resemblance to patience. So this is like physical torture for me.

Forced patience. *shudder*

So to everyone who asks me how the wait is and I sort of blow it off saying it will probably be a while....well this blog is the real truth.

It's only been two weeks. TWO WEEKS and the wait is awful. It's excruciating. I can't plan a single thing, I have no control over it. It's making me crazy. I want it over with. Is it exciting? Well...yes...but it's hard to be excited over the annoyance...and it's hard to be annoyed over the fact that your eyes are crossed just knowing this could last 12 - 18 freaking hours months.

But it's running the first mile of a race...the first part is the hardest?




Disclaimer: I actually am doing okay. I'm not as crazy as this blog makes me sound. Don't believe the crazy person that wrote this. She is a liar. I have really not even thought about the adoption at all. I really don't worry about it because i know that it will come when the time is right and everything will work out fine. I am not even worried at all about what will happen or when. I have just been thankful for being where I am. I also have blond hair, no wrinkles, am a size 6, have a trust fund, am turning 25 this year, and my voice isn't annoying sounding.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Moms - How do You See Yourself?

Scary thought, I know. To tell you the truth, I probably don't want to know half the time how people see me or how I see myself!! But I wonder this sometimes...

How do you see me? How do you see me as a mother?

How do you see yourself? As a mother? How do you see others?

No, this isn't a "Mommy Wars" blog about breast feeding or not. Cloth diapering or not, I don't care. The first two years of your kids' lives is about survival through and through. Who cares if that means you give them a boob or a bottle? You want to launder all your kids poo off? Go ahead! Good for you! We need to stop judging other moms and focus on the more important keeping our kid from taking their diapers off and using their poo to finger paint their rooms into a funk-smelling horror movie.

I think pinterest, blogs, and facebook have upped the already-ridiculous "mommy bar". They can be fabulous places for information, support, ideas, and love from your peeps, if you let it be. It can also be extremely detrimental for some people. It was for me. I mean half the stuff I saw on pinterest and facebook or wherever there were projects were just not possible for me and for my kids. Plus, frankly, my kids didn't really give a darn. Let's be real, two hours of prep, and four hours of clean up, for two minutes of play is not my idea of a good time. It still made me feel like crap every single time though that I wasn't doing half that stuff.

You see, we as parents...okay I'm just going to throw it out there and say it's probably mainly us moms...we moms like to compare ourselves with other moms. It's natural, but with facebook, blogging, and pinterest...well I think we are coming up with this fictional character that is "MOM". But by just looking on social sites, well it's not who we really are, we are only showing you what we want - the good stuff.

For example: I'm not going to tell you that my youngest kid was laying on the floor last month at daycare trying to look up little girl's skirts. I'm not going to tell you that weekend he then lifted MY dress up in the middle of Gap so the whole world could see the saggy crater that is my behind. I'm not going to tell you that I flipped a lid and all but sent the little perve to juvie. Nope. Not going to blog on that.

For everyone without boys here, don't flip a lid like I did. I was since told it was totally normal. Lots of boys go through that stage, and he has not done it since. Don't lock up the little perves yet...turns out it just confirms once again how boys are just weird.
I'm not going to post on the days that I physically had to walk away from my children as they were throwing things in their room and laying down one major hissy fit due to the fact that I would not let them watch Ninja Turtles at 10pm.

I'm not going to post a picture of that less-than-average school project that was done 10 minutes before running out the door because we had all...forgotten.

I'm not posting a picture of all four of us one evening, on the watching TMNT, one playing angry birds, and Brewerman and I staring in to the air as we detox from a crazy day.

I'm not posting a picture of the meal that I gave my kids last night that consisted of pre-made popcorn chicken, ketchup, crackers, and Cheetos.

I'm also not going to post about the fact that it's what Lil'Dude had for lunch today too. No cute cutouts for him.

I'm not going to reblog and tell you that 80% of the meals in mylast meal planning post were not made due to laziness, life, and the fact I had no dishwasher for a week and I am not hand washing all that crap!

I'm not posting about the project that I decided to do with the kids, that ended in my yelling, both boys in time out, broken crayon bits everywhere, and marker in my dog's hair.

I don't use the term "non-organic" for every little item that I eat that is not organic....even though for some strange reason us moms feel a need for it to be a qualifying term for every single piece of food we post about that is, in fact, organic.
You aren't going to see a blog about how at the pool, I told my oldest it was time to leave, he refused and just stared me down. I told him I was leaving anyway with or without him. He continued sitting in the pool staring, daring me with his eyes, so...without acknowledging him at all...I left without him. (Okay, so my friend was right there with him. But he still completely flipped out, very much to my delight.) Alright - so that I'm actually proud of.
I'm not going to post about the birthday presents that were wrapped in christmas paper because I ran out (no I didn't...that's a lie...I forgot to buy wrapping paper) and then wrote "from mom and dad" with a sharpie.

I'm not going to post that I went into my kids room the other night one hour post-bedtime after they had been up five times already, turned on the light, started going off about it being the LAST TIME I WAS COMING IN HERE then realized they had both been asleep and the noise I heard was the dogs.

The internet can give us this crazy perception of what being a mom is and who we are supposed to be. Pinterest can be cool, but don't let it be your standard. Take an idea and do one...per week. ONE. Don't do daily stuff, it's just not going to happen and you are going to feel guilty when you end up giving your kid two grapes and limp celery that probably should have been thrown out and tell him to make faces on his plate for snack time while you have a margarita and envision yourself as being clean. Some weeks you will rock it OUT. You will do more projects and they will end up being a high fives and memories galore. Then some weeks you'll do one single project, you will get one cute picture and it will last 3 minutes, then spend two hours cleaning up the darn thing. But of course, still post that sh*t on facebook.

Even when we suck as parents, we are teaching our kids...yes, even by walking away from them, we are teaching them. I am showing them that sometimes we get angry, and this is what we are supposed to do. Even when I lose my temper (another non-blog-post), I come back and say I'm sorry when I need to. When I am sick of trying so hard and go to the park? Well, they need down time too. Go do a playdate that is really just for mommy to complain to her other mommy friend. Do projects that fail big time, but show them that at least you try new things.

We really need to stop comparing ourselves to this fictional version of MOM. The queen of pinterest and facebook. She doesn't exist. We all rock at some stuff, and extrememly stink at others. We need to just STOP. The mommy war crap is exhausting. Aren't you exhausted? I know I sure am.

Stop holding yourself on a never-going-to-be-reached pedastel. Being a mom is hard enough. We are all great moms, just doing what we think is best. We all rock and we all suck. We are all blessed and we are all exhausted. If you look at another person and think they rock at their life, do what I do, imagine them on the toilet.

 I mean come on, the toilet just brings everyone down to the same playing field.

You might have curled hair, a white shirt, a clean car, and fourteen projects from pinterest that your kids did on your fridge...but for those sweet 3 minutes in my imaginiation...we are the same....because no one looks sexy on the toilet.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Kindergarten, Approved, and K-State...all in a week's work.

So it finally happened.

My oldest child went to big school for his very first day of Kindergarten.

Lil'Dude's First day of Kindergarten

Bringing out the guns

My baby and I

The greatness that is the fake (borderline creepy) smile.

He was SO excited, which helped me. I only teared up one time when we were getting ready to leave. It's just so surreal to me that he is in school. He doesn't seem that old. Man, time really has flown and that makes me equal parts sad and happy since we have been there for all of it. He was definitely ready for the big K, and he didn't have an ounce of scared in him. Pretty sure school sealed the deal for him when he confirmed (for the thousanth time) that he did not have to take a nap anymore.

We were even *gasp* on time. I know. Crazy.

He had a great first day. I am so proud of him!! He stayed on blue (which is good) and the teacher said he is so smart. That afternoon, he bounced out of the school to me and hugged me tight, smiling all the way.

Until the car doors shut.

Then it was like Satan reared his ugly head up and entered our Explorer. When asked about his day he grunted and refused to talk to me. By the time he got home I had to force him out of the car and he told me he was mad at me but when I asked why he just looked away like he couldn't come up with a reason that fast.

Then he started crying and didn't know why he was crying.

Then he laid down on the ground and covered up with a blanket. I asked if he was tired, and he angrily shouted NO and then yanked the covers away from himself and all but growled up at me as I swear little horns started showing from his head.

Luckily after getting opinions from my local Facebook Family, I threw food at him for the next 20 minutes and it was like a miracle descended. He calmed down and by the time Brewerman came home Lil'Dude happily told his tale of school as I looked on in shock since I hadn't heard ANY of that.

Ah well, I guess there is a new "witching" hour in town. It isn't just for newborns anymore.

Oh on other news.....WE ARE APPROVED!!!!!

That's right, woot woot, holla holla, ah-ooga ah-ooga.

We immediately sent out our profiles (which I am already second guessing the darned things), activated our online profiles, and we are LIVE! (It's Saturday night!!! Yay 90's reference!)

Despite not admitting that I'm a tad dissapointed that we already didn't receive a call, I am happy with everything. I have decided NOT to link it to our blog (let's be honest...I don't do filters well so having to apply one to this blog aint gonna happen mmmkay?), but if you would like to see them let me know and I will send you a link directly.

Basically now, all we do is wait.

For 12...long....months.

AND THEN...because this is a three-fer blog.

Last weekend, to start our "thisisgoingtosuckandtakeforeverletsgetourmindoffofit" waiting time, we went to a KState football game with my brother and Dannananner. It was so fun! The kids got the red carpet basically, tailgating, being able to go on the field pre-game and shake the players hands, then be a part of the tunnel as the guys ran out and meet Willie the Wild cat.
Mean Football Faces on the Players Bench

With Stinky Uncle Jakethefake

Just a few bad mamajamas.

My boys and I on the field

It was amazing, the game was a blast. The boys loved the loud music and doing the "first down" chop. Plus there were fireworks at the end timed to some pretty cool music.

And, you know, NBD but we did make the KState Sport Facebook Fan Page.

Because we just exude awesomeness.

Then, the next morning at breakfast we met the KState Basketball team!!
The boys got a picture with Adrian Diaz (who is 7'1")!! They totally freaked when he stood up and wouldn't go near him (poor guy). Lil'Dude whispered to me "Is he a giant?",  then they went back inside and got brave and had regrets, so we had to go BACK out there and take a picture with him. Because I am so lazy I don't want to plug my camera in, you get the half-a$$ picture we took on our phone of me trying to tell the boys to take a picture with him and them refusing to budge as they stand and gawk at him.

These boys are so spoiled!

So back to reality it is for us...but we won't have a lot of downtime since we have soccer for Lil'Dude and Lil'Guy (separate teams) and somehow Brewerman got conned into coaching 3 and 4 year old soccer for Lil'Guy's team (hahahahahaha). It's their first year so it will be interesting to see how they do!