Positive Adoption Language

Okay so I know I wrote this post about negative adoption language, but I wanted to write something about positive adoption language. Instead of a post about what NOT to say, a post about what TO say.

You see, most people who don't have any strong personal connections to adoption (and some that do) don't really know or realize how negative some of the terms associated with adoption nowadays are. It's all about being aware of how you speak, what you say, and how the words we say can really effect our children.

It's not, however, about being perfect, and being afraid to say anything at all. At the end of the day I do realize that my friends and family love my children, love us, and mean well, negative adoption language or not. We know that people just don't know the right language, and being brought up using certain phrases...well it sticks with us. The only thing we can ask is that you try and read this post and simply be aware of how you speak. If I ever correct you on terms it's out of love for you and my kids, and by the time they are older we hope it will be second nature to you, as it is to us. It's about showing my kids that we love them, and that means we can make hard changes for them.

I feel a deep responsibility, for my kids, to try to educate the world as much as I can. That means starting with my world first, which is you! My hope is that by the time they are adults some of these words, thoughts, and misconceptions about adoption will be eliminated. We are on our way. Adoption is not a secret negative thing that people try to hide any more. Well, most adoptions anyway.

With that being said here are some of the positive adoption phrases and language:

Instead of: "Real Parents" say "Birth Parents"

---For Example: Do they still see their real parents? 

Negative connotation: We are not their real parents. We are their fake parents.

Instead of: "Natural Parent" say "Biological Parents"

---For Example: Do they still see their natural parents? 

Negative connotation: We are not natural. Our family is unnatural. While true in a very base form of the word, at the end of the day God made our family. Who can argue with Him?

Instead of: "Illegitimate" say "Born to Unmarried Parents" 

---For Example: They are illegitimate kids.

Negative connotation: For real? We don't really have to say anything here right? I'll just say that I'll pretty much smack you and walk away not taking the time to educated you here. Unless you are 105 years old and you are slightly confused anyways. Then I'll just laugh and walk away. But pretty sure if you are 105 you wouldn't be reading this blog. If you are, you rock.

Instead of: "Put up for Adoption" say "Placed for adoption"

---For Example: My friend Natalie has two kids that were put up for adoption also. 

Negative connotation /  History Lesson: This term was founded back when orphans used to be gathered and brought around the country in a train and literally put up on a block for people to choose to adopt (most of the time for more help on their farm, etc. The last stop on the train was actually Fort Worth back in the day and Gladney Adoption Agency was started because Edna used to take all the kids left and find homes for them. Cool right? But obviously not applicable now.

Instead of: "Give up or Give Away" say "Placed or Terminate Parental Rights"

---For Example: So why did their parents give them up?

Negative connotation: Kids are possessions or items that they can be given away freely. The birth parents placed them with parents they painstakingly chose because they trust us to give them a better life. 

Instead of: "to Keep" say "to Parent"

---For Example: Did their parents decided to keep them? 

Negative connotation: Again, kids are possessions or items. Kids are not items to keep or give away. You either place or parent.

Instead of: "Adoptive Parent" say "Parent" OR
Instead of: "Adoptive Child" say "Child"

---For Example: Natalie is an adoptive parent? OR Susie is my adopted child.

Negative connotation: Being an adoptive parent or child isn't them same or as good as a biological parent / child. They are not less mine / I theirs because we adopted them. Unless you are specifically talking about adoption, or mention it because you are defining them for a reason (say talking to someone else who has adopted or what not). Otherwise, as an everyday phrase, adoption is not an adjective, it's an act that happened to them in the past, it doesn't define them or us. 

Instead of: "Unwanted Child or doesn't want" say "Child placed for adoption"

---For Example: Their real parents just didn't want them? 

Negative connotation: Their birth parents placed because they do not want them. Most of the times, that couldn't be farther from the truth. They wanted them and always will, they just wanted more for them than they thought they could have given.

Instead of: "is adopted" say "was adopted"

---For Example: Susie three and she is adopted.

Negative connotation: They are defined by their adoption. Again, adoption is an act that happened when we finalized our adoptions. It's a past action, not an adjective. They are not any more or less because of their adoptions.

Instead of: "real brothers" say "biological brothers"

---For Example: Are they real brothers?

Negative connotation: They are not real brothers, but fake brothers. I understand most of the time someone is asking or talking about biologically. But as a child of adoption, that doesn't always come across and can sting.

I hope this helps you! I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but again I also want to educate people. If nothing else because for most of us we haven't ever thought about how are words can be interpreted. I know I didn't!