Grief, Adoption, and a splash of Racism

I talk to a lot of people about adoption. People come up to me randomly and start asking questions, I get emails, or people are just curious about the specifics, and you know what? I love it. I love spreading the word in an educating manor. I love beating down those barriers and misconceptions with adoption. I love making it more possible for other people, and being able to warn them of what not to do. I love spreading the word or at least understanding of open adoption.

But sometimes people are afraid to talk to me. Well, not like Freddy Krueger afraid. But more like "that's not really the adoption I want" afraid, because we have a transracial adoption...and it's open.

Now I'm realistic, but I'm not overly sensitive. I can see it and I can hear the unspoken words. I'm not mad. I'm sad. For them.

Did I start out knowing I would have a transracial family? No.

Did I start out knowing I would want an open adoption? No.

Did I do research on every type of adoption imaginable? Yes.

I have a lot of education to give, but seeing my family sometimes turns people off because I am a "way out there" version of adoption. I have two black children. Not hispanic or biracial or asian where people might still think they are my biological children in some way. Black. They are a deep vibrant color of brown that I adore and love. But it terrifies some people. There is a 'color wheel' with adoption. It's easy to figure out, the less white the race is, the less people that are open to that race. So full African American children are usually the hardest to find families for, and people see my family as the most progressive type of adoptive family.

They see my family and are afraid to ask for help or advice with adoption because they see my family as somehow "less than". Like we settled.

Well. Let me tell you that just makes me sad for you. You have no idea what you are missing, not only with my family and who we are, but my knowledge. Because i realize not everyone can adopt transracially. I realize that not everyone is there in their personal education and honesty with themselves. Most of the time, these people are coming right out of the "infertility" gate. They are tired of treatments and just want a child. It's easier to accept adoption as an option after infertility if they look like you. It's human nature. You still see the little baby with your eyes and your husbands chin. You see still see your child with your smile and his laugh.

You have to let that go no matter what type of adoption you do. Just because your child will have your skin color will not mean they will be the same as a biological child born to you. No matter what race you decide on that child will not be the same as a biological child. You still need to grieve that loss. And it is a loss.

The best thing my husband did was make me take "off" a summer in between infertility and adoption. He wasn't ready to move to adoption, so I agreed. We bought a boat. A little "mid-baby" crisis as we call it.

It helped me come to terms with many things. Open adoption helped too. Doing research on open adoption is really hard when you just want a baby of "your own". It's a big blinking sign saying "THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR BABY! THEY HAVE ANOTHER FAMILY TOO!" That it will be different. There will be things you will miss, things that you don't get when you adopt. But just because it's different doesn't mean it's less. Oh no. Because there will be things you gain. So much you gain...things you wouldn't have with a biological child. It will still be amazing. It will still be your child. You will still be very much their parents. The love you feel for that child will still move mountains. They will still be a part of your very soul.

But it's so important to grieve your personal losses with infertility first before considering adoption because our children don't deserve that baggage. And they will get the grunt of it if we don't. Walk into an adoption a emotionally healthy person, not beat down by infertility and desperate to be called a mom. I've been there. I know how it is.

And if you are thinking of adopting but seeing my family makes you sad or makes you tremble, or makes you not want to come talk to me then I daresay you need to stop, and take a look at yourself. You still have some issues you need to work out with your grief...and racism. And even if you will be only open to a child that is your same race, you need to work these issues out because adoption isn't about you, it's not about making you a mom. It's about giving that child a family, but in order to do that you can't erase the family they came from. No matter who they are, what their past is, that family is a part of your child. And when you know you are there...when that grief is healed...that's when you smile because when you look at your child you see their birthmom's eyes, their birthfather's smile, and it's a beautiful beautiful thing.