Racist!?! I'm not racist!! My Sister's Black!

I read an article today. I was prepared to get mad and go off on it. I was prepared to yell at how racist society is we just won't admit it.

This is the article:
Article: Does Paul Ryan's Black Girlfriend Matter?

Did you read it? If not, go read it. It's good. I was impressed. It made me think. Hit a little bit home as well.

I get this a lot.

"Oh! My sister's boss' neighbor is black and we love him!"- Random person

Sometimes they are saying that to just want to connect with you. It's like when my husband and I take our one date night a century and we happen to see another transracial family. I usually have to hold myself back from running up to them, showing them a picture of our family, and then giving them a big high five while they try to keep very quiet so as not to scare the crazy lady in front of them.

But sometimes it's said as a way to defense their own racism.

"I'm not racist! My sister's black!!" - 17 year old me

It's pretty humbling to remember but, yup, I used to think this way. I would spout off stereotypes (some that I had actually witnessed, others I had heard about, but stereotypes nonetheless), I would say racist jokes, and I would make assumptions of people based on race. Then I would end it all by using that stupid line that I would convince myself made it all okay. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't as bad as some. But still, the fact that I really thought that I couldn't be racist because I had a black sister is troubling.

You see, for most of us, loving one person of another race isn't going to change that inner-racist in us. Don't get me wrong, it paves the way. It makes you stop and think. It starts at corroding the barrier, but it doesn't completely destroy it. In a person's mind, that person you know...you see them as an individual, not as the racial whole. We think, well I like this person so how could I be hateful of that race. Because you see them as a person. People classify them in their head as different than other people of that race without even realizing it.

Of course, for some reason this is only with the positive experiences. If you have a negative experience with somebody of another race, it seems like we instantly deem them as the speaker of the entire race. Why do we do that? I don't know, but sure does makes you stop and think.

It's dangerous though to start thinking that because you had one person of another race that you love, that cancels out any racist thinking we have. It basically makes us blind to our own personal demons.

The best example I can give of someone loving a person close to them, and still holding racist notions is a question that the social worker asked us during our homestudy. Social workers have started to ask would-be transracial adoptive parents how they would feel about their black/Mexican/Asian/etc. child marrying someone of that race. Seriously. That is a question I have been asked three times. Why? Well I will tell you why because I specifically asked them. Because there are families that adopt transracially and yet when that child grows up and decides to marry someone of their own race, they are horrified and uncomfortable. Racism as its finest. I don't doubt the love they have for their child, but they never really looked further in themselves to be able to identify the racism they still hold. They probably considered themselves non-racist, but in fact they were just non-racist to that one person, not the race as a whole. I don't judge them, it just saddens me. It saddens me that social workers feel it is necessary to let transracial adoptive families know that their "lineage" could now consist of another race entirely, that this could be "news" to someone that adopted out side their race. I am glad, however, so if there is an issue, you know BEFORE adopting transracially.

My sister paved the way for my heart to be open to black children. She is my light in more ways than one, but for this I could never fully thank her enough. My sister lead the way to my family being open, to experiences with another race, to being comfortable with a person of another race / culture.

As I learned the hard way however, she can't take me fully there. I had to really learn some hard truths about myself before I let go of some of the racist thoughts and stereotypes in my head. Was I putting other races down constantly and wearing a pointed white hat?

No, nothing so obvious. It was the little things, the subtle racism that's there in most of us that we don't even realize. It's that subtlety that makes it slippery to hold on to and be able to vanquish. That subtle racism is so easy to justify "It's just a joke!" or "Oh come on, don't be so sensitive." Luckily, I have since grown and matured since my 17 year old self spouted off that line of non-racist stupidity about my sister. I always remember it though. I remember how easy it was to hide behind that, to allow it to blind me of my own racism. I will admit as well that I am still learning. I am still growing.

The next time you feel the need to point out that you have a friend/family member/etc. of another race, ask yourself why you are doing that. Make sure that it isn't because you are really just hiding behind them like I did. Are you using that person as a shield that helps you ignore your personal racism? Is that thought actually racism tied in a pretty pink bow like mine was?

Because, as I have said before, in order to truley vanquish racism...we have to start with ourselves, even if you do have a sister of another race.