4 years since I met you.

Dear Lil'Dude:

It's been 4 years since I first met you. I'll never forget those wild days before that day. Of the back and forth. Of the wanting...the waiting, and oh lots of praying. There were tears, laughter, and wild trips to Babies R Us with my mom and sister screaming at me and arguing with me about what to buy and not buy via the phone.

It's been 4 years since we made that second trip 3 hours away to pick you up just riding on prayer and hope. I remember saying rosary after rosary just pleading with God. Until we let all our fears go and decided to let God lead the way. We had the honor of meeting your birthmom and birthdad that day. It wasn't the easiest way. No it was hard to be there during that emotional time for them. Because it was emotional, and very hard for them. Never forget that. Never forget that it was hard for them because they loved you so much.

Did you know that we all came up with your middle name ourselves? It's not common, as a matter of fact I'm pretty sure we made it up. Some people didn't get it, but I don't care. I love it. They love it. We all love you.

How do I describe the first moment I saw you? Awe would be one way. Panic, excitement, love, hope, and a lil bit of shock. Okay a lot of shock. I mean you were so tiny, and perfect. You had hair everywhere, and I adored that. I loved your tiny little feet, which even then weren't so tiny. Your hands, your little belly.

Then you looked at me. And we locked eyes. You looked right at me. I couldn't even cry I was so engrossed. You see, I was so terrified that you wouldn't want me, you wouldn't know me, I'd be foreign to you and you would be scared. That I would never be good enough for you. That I'd be your fake mom. Then you looked at me like you knew me. You even turned your little head to keep looking at me. I was so happy.

Then you grew up. I loved you then, and I love you with every fiber of my being now. Even when I'm so tired I could fall dead on my feet, I still never once lose the awe that overwhelmed me at being your mom. Mom. I prayed to become a mom. But who would have known that God would have taken that, multipled it by 1000 and made me a mom to you. Because you are unique, special, and perfect in every way.

I hope I live up to being your mom too. I promise I will never stop loving you, no matter what you grow up to be or do. I will never, ever, stop being proud of you. Because you just aren't my son in name. You will always be my son in my heart and soul. God made us family. And family we will forever be.

I love you.

Mom