Racist!?! I'm not racist!! My Sister's Black!

I read an article today. I was prepared to get mad and go off on it. I was prepared to yell at how racist society is we just won't admit it.

This is the article:
Article: Does Paul Ryan's Black Girlfriend Matter?

Did you read it? If not, go read it. It's good. I was impressed. It made me think. Hit a little bit home as well.

I get this a lot.

"Oh! My sister's boss' neighbor is black and we love him!"- Random person

Sometimes they are saying that to just want to connect with you. It's like when my husband and I take our one date night a century and we happen to see another transracial family. I usually have to hold myself back from running up to them, showing them a picture of our family, and then giving them a big high five while they try to keep very quiet so as not to scare the crazy lady in front of them.

But sometimes it's said as a way to defense their own racism.

"I'm not racist! My sister's black!!" - 17 year old me

It's pretty humbling to remember but, yup, I used to think this way. I would spout off stereotypes (some that I had actually witnessed, others I had heard about, but stereotypes nonetheless), I would say racist jokes, and I would make assumptions of people based on race. Then I would end it all by using that stupid line that I would convince myself made it all okay. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't as bad as some. But still, the fact that I really thought that I couldn't be racist because I had a black sister is troubling.

You see, for most of us, loving one person of another race isn't going to change that inner-racist in us. Don't get me wrong, it paves the way. It makes you stop and think. It starts at corroding the barrier, but it doesn't completely destroy it. In a person's mind, that person you know...you see them as an individual, not as the racial whole. We think, well I like this person so how could I be hateful of that race. Because you see them as a person. People classify them in their head as different than other people of that race without even realizing it.

Of course, for some reason this is only with the positive experiences. If you have a negative experience with somebody of another race, it seems like we instantly deem them as the speaker of the entire race. Why do we do that? I don't know, but sure does makes you stop and think.

It's dangerous though to start thinking that because you had one person of another race that you love, that cancels out any racist thinking we have. It basically makes us blind to our own personal demons.

The best example I can give of someone loving a person close to them, and still holding racist notions is a question that the social worker asked us during our homestudy. Social workers have started to ask would-be transracial adoptive parents how they would feel about their black/Mexican/Asian/etc. child marrying someone of that race. Seriously. That is a question I have been asked three times. Why? Well I will tell you why because I specifically asked them. Because there are families that adopt transracially and yet when that child grows up and decides to marry someone of their own race, they are horrified and uncomfortable. Racism as its finest. I don't doubt the love they have for their child, but they never really looked further in themselves to be able to identify the racism they still hold. They probably considered themselves non-racist, but in fact they were just non-racist to that one person, not the race as a whole. I don't judge them, it just saddens me. It saddens me that social workers feel it is necessary to let transracial adoptive families know that their "lineage" could now consist of another race entirely, that this could be "news" to someone that adopted out side their race. I am glad, however, so if there is an issue, you know BEFORE adopting transracially.

My sister paved the way for my heart to be open to black children. She is my light in more ways than one, but for this I could never fully thank her enough. My sister lead the way to my family being open, to experiences with another race, to being comfortable with a person of another race / culture.

As I learned the hard way however, she can't take me fully there. I had to really learn some hard truths about myself before I let go of some of the racist thoughts and stereotypes in my head. Was I putting other races down constantly and wearing a pointed white hat?

No, nothing so obvious. It was the little things, the subtle racism that's there in most of us that we don't even realize. It's that subtlety that makes it slippery to hold on to and be able to vanquish. That subtle racism is so easy to justify "It's just a joke!" or "Oh come on, don't be so sensitive." Luckily, I have since grown and matured since my 17 year old self spouted off that line of non-racist stupidity about my sister. I always remember it though. I remember how easy it was to hide behind that, to allow it to blind me of my own racism. I will admit as well that I am still learning. I am still growing.

The next time you feel the need to point out that you have a friend/family member/etc. of another race, ask yourself why you are doing that. Make sure that it isn't because you are really just hiding behind them like I did. Are you using that person as a shield that helps you ignore your personal racism? Is that thought actually racism tied in a pretty pink bow like mine was?

Because, as I have said before, in order to truley vanquish racism...we have to start with ourselves, even if you do have a sister of another race.

"Mommy, I want to be white like you."

Oh my.

Okay so I wasn't going to blog about this. It happened a couple of months ago. The entire month after it happened, I felt like a big fat failure. Like I made him feel this way. Like I am "less than" because I am white and I completely screwed him up.

But I'm not. It's normal. I know this...my brain does, but my heart can't seem to grasp it. You think you are prepared for this as a transracial adoptive parent. You think that you have heard enough stories that you are pretty confident how you should/would/will approach it. You expect it to happen (well deep down I think we all believe and hope it won't). Yet when it does, it is still pretty much similar to running face first into a brick wall, and then getting kicked in the gut afterward.

It is so so hard. Expected maybe yes....but still SO darn holy moly hard.

I decided to suck it up and write this in hopes that it will help others out there. It's not a specific black / white transracial family issue either. I have many friends with brown babies (Black, Mexican, Guatemalan, etc. and some of the mommies and daddies the same race) but a lot of them still go through this  (yay for the racist thinking of the world that lighter = better). However, if you are a transracial adoptive family you can all but be guaranteed that this will happen to you. It's natural...your kids want to look like you, and they don't.

So first things first - if this happens to you, stay calm. This is not about you, this is not a reflection of your parenting. This is 100% normal. Do not blame yourself, but most importantly do not blame your child. Your first reaction will be to think "How could you say that!? I never have made you feel this way!" Don't. It's not about you, it's about them, it's about being different, it's about wanting to be like you because at this age...you are their idol. They just need to cry about it for a while.

This is much easier said. Believe me...I know.

I have no idea if what I did is right, so it sort of terrifies me to write this and find out I did the wrong thing. I am almost positive someone out there will tell me I did it wrong. I hope I did it right. I can tell you that he seems satisfied and happy, and that I 100% just trusted my gut. Only you know your kid, only you know what they need, I take comfort in that. Do your research, yes...but trust that gut.



Here we go. Here is what happened:

We were getting ready to go to bed and I was reading a book to them about different skin colors (The Skin You Live In, love this book). I stopped and talked about it a little bit when suddenly Lil'Dude stares up at me, eyes sad, and says "Mommy, I don't want to be brown. I want to be white like you." I immediately stop and panic. I ask what he means and he clarifies that he doesn't like being brown, that he wants to be white like mommy and daddy, he wants his skin to look like ours too.

I start by just hugging him. I am wondering if maybe this is just a moment for him....I tell him that it's okay to feel that way but he is very beautiful. He then starts crying, and I know this is it. He means business. This isn't just a passing whim.

So I gently push him back and I talk to him about WHY he is a different color than us, and bring up adoption. (by this time Brewerman is in there too. We both are a little pale as we watch our child cry that emotionally-painful-cry that we so very rarely see). I tell him about his birthfamily, about his culture, and how much we love him for that.

I think about telling him that I wish I was brown like him, that I love his color so much but I don't. I want to teach him to love himself, and that's not a good start if I am showing him that I don't love myself. By this time he is sobbing, he doesn't care if he is adopted, or about his birthfamily, or even about his culture.

He is just a five year old boy that wants to look like his mommy and daddy.

I give him one last hug and sat him up. I sit back and his daddy sits down beside me.
I ask him how many eyes he has. He tells me two. How many does mommy have? Two. I ask him how many arms he has...two. How many does daddy have? Two. How many toes do you have? Do you have an elbow? Can you snort like a pig too like mommy can? Where are your eyes at? Where are daddy's eyes at? What color is your hair? Black. What color is mommy's hair? Black. What color is your tongue when you eat a blue sucker? What about when mommy eats a blue sucker?

See? We are similar in other ways too. We are all the same in some ways and different in other ways.


By this time he is still sniffling, but not sobbing.


I then ask him what color his daddy's eyes are? Green. What color is mommy's eyes? Brown. What color is daddy's hair? Brown. What color is mommy's hair? Black. Does daddy have freckles? Yes. Does mommy have freckles? No. How long is mommy's hair? How long is daddy's hair?

We are all different if you really look at us, that is what makes us each so beautiful. Daddy's skin is red, and mommy's is more olive. Daddy's voice is deeper than mommy's and daddy has bigger feet than mommy (barely). Doesn't Mommy look nice with long hair? It would be pretty silly if we all looked alike, how would we tell each other apart?


By this time he has stopped sniffling and is calmed down a little, though still upset.


The next thing we do is talk about people that he knows that are black. I get out pictures of his birthfamily, pictures of our friends, and talk about a few of his friends at school that are also black. This doesn't really start to help until my husband mentioned Rangers baseball players that have brown skin. That peeks his interest. So we go on more about that, and how they wear their skin color with pride.

By the time we are done he seems to be better. We were getting ready to lay him down when he said again..."But mommy I really just want to have skin like you, not brown skin." and I just sit down next to him, gather him in my arms, hug him tightly and tell him that I know baby, and it's okay. We love you just the way you are and your beautiful brown skin is part of who you are, and we wouldn't change a thing......but it's okay to be sad, it's okay to think it's unfair, and if you need me to, I'll just hold you for a while.


Because sometimes they just want to cry about it....but they do hear you.

So far we haven't had another episode, but I know there are more to come. I can only hope that I can keep guiding him and not lead him astray. I have some very dear friends that help me along the way (BBC shout out) and feel lucky that I have them there because I would surely feel like the blind leading the blind otherwise. I ask them direct questions and they tell me what they think, supporting me and guiding me. It is so important to have friends that you can talk to that are black, that truly get it. That can say "You are being stupid." or "Please don't do that to that child."

Because gosh darn it....I am white, and let's face it, I have no idea what it's like to walk around in brown skin. All I can do is listen, learn, and love him the best way I know how.



Oh my though, there is little else than can hurt your heart more than to see your baby hurting.

What to Expect when you are Expecting through Adoption

Okay so way back WHEN we were going to start a third adoption.

Then we had a few issues come up with the kids that we knew needed our full attention (part of which is this). It was so hard to make the call to put off another adoption at that time, but it was needed, and we have to put our kids first. It was one of those parenting decisions in life that requires you to put your kids' needs in front of your wants.

And just in case you think we are some kind of heroes, I will tell you that - it sucked. 

BUT. Now that things have calmed down and we seem to be in a really good place with the boys, we want to throw in another baby and have chaos once again ensue.

So. Here we go again!

We are using a different agency, due to a pretty significant slow down with the first we were going to use last year. This means all new paperwork. A new 100 piece checklist to get done, and a lot of questions that we have answered 6 times now and still put thought into it. I mean it's funny to answer "Why would you like to adopt transracially" now. Shouldn't the question be....why not?!

Oh, and did I mention we have not even been in the books yet and we have already experienced our first "call" that didn't work out a couple weeks ago? Before we were "officially applying" to this agency we had a call from a different one about a mom and they wanted another couple to show her as they only had a couple. We sent in our profile and got picked! Then five days later she had the baby and changed her mind and decided to parent. Totally respect her decision and happy for her but once again....it sucked.

SO. Let's just say that we got a little reminder that adoption is NOT always an easy road. Having been through it twice I thought it would be appropriate to go over what a waiting mom by adoption can expect while waiting:

What to Expect When you are Expecting through Adoption:

- Expect to hear 4,943 adoption horror stories, or just stories of different crazy ways (or better ways, cheaper ways, faster ways) that people have adopted from now until placement. Then another 1,987,363 after that.

- If you have an online profile...Expect to check the stats at least 400 times a day the first month and 8 times a day thereafter and always read way too much into every single additional view you get.

- Expect for the words "depending on if we have a baby by then" to be ingrained into your conversations for a while now...even though you were told to act like normal every day life. Yeah....right. Oh and for most of us we are also saving pennies to pay for this during the wait so you can't even do a big fun vacation. Yes, you can expect to be a tad bitter about that too. ;-)

- Expect to do some amazing baby gadget research from now until placement. Some of us will buy ahead of time, but most of us wait. So by the time the baby gets here you go on a spending spree that lasts four hours because you are officially "allowed" to be in babiesrus. (It never really felt real before.)

- Expect people to compare your adoption costs (you know...the $20,000 plus price tag) to their labor expenses. Expect this to not only NOT make you feel better but in fact make you want to steal $20 from their wallet and laugh evilly.

- Expect to go back and forth from thinking you will never ever get picked because you suck a big toe to thinking you will get picked any time now because you are so awesome town.

- Expect to start a blog and post often the first 3-6 months, then to go down to about once a month after because you are sick of talking about it, until finally you drift off into never-posting land because you have nothing nice to say about waiting because it sucks. Then you get placed and BAM there you post again!

- Expect to nest. Nope folks, it aint just for pregnant people any more.

- Expect for you to get WAY too excited for a prospect no matter how you tell yourself 'you won't until it's sure'. It's going to happen. Nothing will stop it. Just let it be and be honest with yourself that it's going to suck if it doesn't. That's okay, it will suck whether you get excited or not, because even if you weren't excited...deep down you were. You were just lying to yourself.

- Expect to gain weight. Two words....stress eating. Oh and another four words: Twelve Months Average Wait. Put it all together and you got yourself an extra 20 pounds (and that's if you work out too).

- Expect to want to redo your adoption profile 60 days in and every week thereafter because the little book you used to think rocked your world is now the most awful piece of literature ever known to man-kind.

- Expect to be disappointed that you don't get a call after a day....a week...a month...two months after officially being in the book. Again, everyone secretly hopes and wishes to have a fast wait. You can try being "realistic" with yourself, but again, you will just be lying to yourself and still be disappointed. It's okay, everyone does it. :)

- Expect to develop a particularly strong hate for the question "Have you heard anything yet?"

- Expect to want to punch every person in the face that suggests that you do stuff to get your mind off of the adoption and the wait. That includes husbands.

- Expect to be shocked at who has a connection with adoption and who gives you support. Sometimes we discriminate too and then people shock us (in a very good way). :)

- Expect for people to be confused at how to act when you tell them you are adopting (ESPECIALLY after you get a "maybe call"). Should they be excited? Should they say congratulations? It's so different than pregnancy. And the sad thing is that it depends on what day it is and how you feel as to how you WANT them to act. It's all a bundle of confusing and nerve wracking crazy emotions. Adoption PMS is real folks.

- Expect for you to need to prepare some frozen meals ahead of time, because frankly most people don't think of that with an adoption. You will probably not get a lot of meals after the baby comes. It really sucks too, but for some reason not birthing the baby means less meals and less help in general people feel you need (sometimes, there are lots of people that will surprise you!).

- Expect to be pretty shocked at the things people ask and the personal questions you will get. Especially once you are matched. Remember, it's not rude to tell people that you don't feel comfortable sharing that, especially considering this could potentially be your child's story. People can be idiots (repeat this mantra in your head).

BUT that is all okay because...

- Expect people to really invest in your story. Expect more excitement, personal elation...once you are placed. Expect a story that will stop a room and keep everyone listening as you recall each detail. Because people are so incredibly happy for you.

- Expect gifts from people you barely know, some that you don't know, just because they are touched by your story.

- Expect a roar of excitement the likes of which you have never heard nor experienced once you are placed....

BUT until then....

- Expect to want to quit after every 6 months. Get drunk, have a hang over, eat your weight in chocolate, spend a butt load of money that was supposed to go to the adoption fund, whatever you need to do to have a pity party just do it...you'll feel better the next day, I promise.

- Expect to start hating with a passion every uni-sex baby thing you see.

- Expect to have a hard time attending baby showers and other peoples general baby happiness. It's hard when you are so close and yet have so little control. Plus there are a few random people who think you want to steal their baby. Don't worry, their idiots who watch too much Lifetime TV.

- Expect someone to tell you it has "just been 4 months" while you "were told the average was 12 months" then ask "so why are you so worried about it?" Expect to instantly hate them and want to kick them in the shins. Then punch them in the face. Again. (This will probably be the same person as before, they tend to take the stupid train and stay on for a while.)

- Expect to make a fool out of yourself at least once to a potential birthmom. I believe I managed this with a first phone call I was on when I blurted out "What style are you?" To which she told me she had no idea what i was asking....and the real problem was neither did I.

- Expect to have to tell the agency "No" a few times when asked to show your profile in specific special situations, then expect to feel guilty and hate yourself for a good 12 hours afterward. Regardless, trust your gut, this isn't a race. (You can punch me in the face later.)

- Expect to NOT be ready the first time you meet a potential birthmom. Keep that handy list of "things not to say or do" near by, you will need it. Don't have one? Make one now when you have a clear head.

- Expect to re-read every piece of adoption paperwork from your agency the 24 hour surrounding a call or close to placement. You will take in about 65% of everything that you read during that time, so expect to read multiple times as well.

- Expect to close your nursery's door...when you can't think about it anymore. Enough baby crap for a while.

- Expect to open said nursery's door....take a deep breath...and just sit in there sometimes. Maybe play the crib toys and listen to it. It makes it real. It WILL happen see? It's real.

- Expect to have some pretty shallow thoughts regarding other couples who get placed ahead of you. "What?! Did you see their profile? Did you see that they live in the middle of nowhere? Did you see what they said?! Who would pick THEM over US!?" It's okay, we know you don't really mean it (completely). It's the Wait talking. That Wait can be a real bitch.

- Couples without kids: Expect to think it really sucks that other people with kids get picked before you. They have already been blessed with kids, it's not fair, why can't you let we just have one!? It's okay, again we know you really don't mean it (completely). The Wait strikes again.

- Couples with kids: Expect for the wait to be equally if not more hard now that you have children (though we all tell ourselves it will be easier this time because we have been through it and know when the time is right it will happen - psh. Easier said my friend.). It's hard going through the ups and downs and keeping a smile on your face so the kids won't have to know something is wrong. Also, expect to do lots of fast food once your matched because you just want to go home and detox and feel guilty about it. Don't. It's survival. You are giving them the gift of a sibling. Plus who doesn't love corn dogs?!

- Expect to not know how to act about 90% of the time after being matched. Expect to be happy one minute, and stressed out the next. Happy, sad, mad, elated, pissed, anxious all rolled in to one big mess of an emotion. You may or may not have a twitch in your eye by placement.

- Expect to start shaking horribly and freak out completely every time an "unassigned" phone call comes in. You can also expect to lose your temper with at least three telemarketers. Oh and you will answer your phone anywhere..bathroom...church....work. Nothing will stop you from answering when that specific ring tone starts up (because you will have assigned a very specific ring tone).

- Expect to carry your phone. Everywhere. NEVER turn it off, even in church (silent though). You will have a close personal love-hate relationship with your phone. Love that it's there, hate that the stupid thing won't ring already. Oh and also expect to carry a phone charger everywhere you go. Because you will FREAK THE HELL OUT if your phone ever DARES to lose battery charge.

- Expect to go through a situation that doesn't work out. Expect to be utterly devastated and expect for it to hurt like hell no matter what you tell yourself. Also know that during the 48 hours after a situation doesn't work out, anything that comes out of your mouth must be ignored and thrown in the recycle bin then deleted. Your hurting, you will probably lash out at someone, then quit, then start again, want to change agencies, want to quit again, then go off on someone for no reason other than they sat in your usual seat at church.

- Expect to be gloriously happy and equally freaked out when you finally do get the call.

- Expect for your mind to be blown when that call works out to a placement, and expect to be completely amazed at the site of that tiny person that is now your child.

- Expect to have some guilt regarding the birthmother and her grief and expect to personalize some of her pain. Identify the emotion and let yourself work through it, it's pretty tough to see that emotion and NOT feel guilty.

- Expect to love that birthmother stronger than you thought possible. It will surprise you how worried you are about them driving home with that baby.

- Expect your life to feel a million times fuller.

- Expect to fall in love.

- Expect to be a family.

- Expect for everything....every little thing to be worth it in the end.

Grief, Adoption, and a splash of Racism

I talk to a lot of people about adoption. People come up to me randomly and start asking questions, I get emails, or people are just curious about the specifics, and you know what? I love it. I love spreading the word in an educating manor. I love beating down those barriers and misconceptions with adoption. I love making it more possible for other people, and being able to warn them of what not to do. I love spreading the word or at least understanding of open adoption.

But sometimes people are afraid to talk to me. Well, not like Freddy Krueger afraid. But more like "that's not really the adoption I want" afraid, because we have a transracial adoption...and it's open.

Now I'm realistic, but I'm not overly sensitive. I can see it and I can hear the unspoken words. I'm not mad. I'm sad. For them.

Did I start out knowing I would have a transracial family? No.

Did I start out knowing I would want an open adoption? No.

Did I do research on every type of adoption imaginable? Yes.

I have a lot of education to give, but seeing my family sometimes turns people off because I am a "way out there" version of adoption. I have two black children. Not hispanic or biracial or asian where people might still think they are my biological children in some way. Black. They are a deep vibrant color of brown that I adore and love. But it terrifies some people. There is a 'color wheel' with adoption. It's easy to figure out, the less white the race is, the less people that are open to that race. So full African American children are usually the hardest to find families for, and people see my family as the most progressive type of adoptive family.

They see my family and are afraid to ask for help or advice with adoption because they see my family as somehow "less than". Like we settled.

Well. Let me tell you that just makes me sad for you. You have no idea what you are missing, not only with my family and who we are, but my knowledge. Because i realize not everyone can adopt transracially. I realize that not everyone is there in their personal education and honesty with themselves. Most of the time, these people are coming right out of the "infertility" gate. They are tired of treatments and just want a child. It's easier to accept adoption as an option after infertility if they look like you. It's human nature. You still see the little baby with your eyes and your husbands chin. You see still see your child with your smile and his laugh.

You have to let that go no matter what type of adoption you do. Just because your child will have your skin color will not mean they will be the same as a biological child born to you. No matter what race you decide on that child will not be the same as a biological child. You still need to grieve that loss. And it is a loss.

The best thing my husband did was make me take "off" a summer in between infertility and adoption. He wasn't ready to move to adoption, so I agreed. We bought a boat. A little "mid-baby" crisis as we call it.

It helped me come to terms with many things. Open adoption helped too. Doing research on open adoption is really hard when you just want a baby of "your own". It's a big blinking sign saying "THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR BABY! THEY HAVE ANOTHER FAMILY TOO!" That it will be different. There will be things you will miss, things that you don't get when you adopt. But just because it's different doesn't mean it's less. Oh no. Because there will be things you gain. So much you gain...things you wouldn't have with a biological child. It will still be amazing. It will still be your child. You will still be very much their parents. The love you feel for that child will still move mountains. They will still be a part of your very soul.

But it's so important to grieve your personal losses with infertility first before considering adoption because our children don't deserve that baggage. And they will get the grunt of it if we don't. Walk into an adoption a emotionally healthy person, not beat down by infertility and desperate to be called a mom. I've been there. I know how it is.

And if you are thinking of adopting but seeing my family makes you sad or makes you tremble, or makes you not want to come talk to me then I daresay you need to stop, and take a look at yourself. You still have some issues you need to work out with your grief...and racism. And even if you will be only open to a child that is your same race, you need to work these issues out because adoption isn't about you, it's not about making you a mom. It's about giving that child a family, but in order to do that you can't erase the family they came from. No matter who they are, what their past is, that family is a part of your child. And when you know you are there...when that grief is healed...that's when you smile because when you look at your child you see their birthmom's eyes, their birthfather's smile, and it's a beautiful beautiful thing.

Questions strangers shouldn't ask me about my family.

So obviously I get a lot of questions about my kids and our family. Most reactions we get are positive. We are pretty lucky in that we get and have so so much support. Even people that ask dumb questions usually mean well. For the most part I don't slap, hit, bite, or curse at random people when they ask a stupid question. I figure most people aren't on the "up and up" with positive adoption language and don't realize how terribly intrusive they are being.

But some people.

Oh...some people.

Some people are just idiots.

Stupid Questions. Random comments. Openly staring. Or even better, openly grimacing at us. Get a grip people, I'm not saving the world or bringing it to an end. I just happened to have children that are another race than me.


To all Random Strangers who want to come up to us because of the way our family looks:

DON'T tell me about your cousin's sister's brother's daughter's dog's first wife's owner's horror adoption story.

DON'T ask me if the fact that my kids are close in age was "planned" with a disgusting look on your face.

DON'T come up to me and tell me that you have a cousin's uncle's best friend's wife that is black. It's not really a story and I have no idea what to say...do I hug you and invite you for Christmas? Or with my family maybe I should drink some wine, start a fight with you, eat, cry, fight some more, drink, eat, drink some more, make up, laugh and make plans for next year.

DON'T treat my kids like they are pets. I know they are cute but do not touch them or ask rude questions about their adoptions in front of them like they can't understand you.

DON'Task if I'm babysitting. I mean really, what babysitter is in the middle of the mall with two kids, pushing a diaper bag, double stroller, two sippy cups, a random Lego, and shopping bags?! All while said kids are screaming at me the biggest clue: "MOMMY!!"

----oh yeah...and don't ever. ever. ask me if I cheated on my husband. Did you?----

DON'T ask me if I specifically ASKED for them "to match". They are not flower arrangements.

DON'T assume I'm an idiot of all things African American because I'm white. I'm all for people giving me suggestions but believe me I didn't go into this with my eyes closed.

DON'T ask if the birthparents did drugs or the if the kids have any "problems". I mean, really!?

DON'T ask if I have any "kids of my own". Duh. I have TWO, they are standing right here!!

DON'T ask if they are brothers. We've already gone over this, yes, they are both mine. That would make them brothers, no?

DON'T tell me that I am stealing your man by having two black children as a white woman. Wipe that smirk off your face and welcome to being just another racist.

DON'T ask why the birthparents "gave them up" (PLACE is the appropriate term) or any other questions including age, height, length of labor, siblings, etc. Oh, or if it was "hard" for her. No, really it wasn't, we did the switch at six flags right below the Superman Tower. Fun times.

DON'T talk smack on the birthparents. For this I will get rude back with you. First of a ll, they are my kid's mothers and fathers. Second of all, they are my family. Thirdly, you have no idea.

DON'T ask about cost of adopting UNLESS and ONLY UNLESS you plan on adopting yourself. Seriously planning, not "IwannabeAngelinaJolie" planning. This will get you questions about your own birthing cost like the cost of the stitches they put in you or your wife's "whoo ha" after you/they tore during labor.

DON'T tell me that we saved them from a bad life, nor assume their birthparents did drugs, are bad people, in a gang, have a mental illness, etc etc. This will cause the backup can of whoop to open. Thier birthparents placed out of love. Period.

DON'T tell me that we are good people only because we adopted black children. We are the lucky ones as we got to become parents.

DON'T ask where they're from, what they are, how many miles they have, etc.

DON'T start talking Ebonics to me or my children just because they are black. You just sound dumb.

DON'T ask me where their parents are now. I'm right in front of you. Should I draw you a map? And even though I do know what you mean, do you really think that is ANY of your business?

DON'T and I mean do not tell me how you could "never do something like that." What am I supposed to say to this. And what exactly does "THAT" mean!?
Last but not least.

DON'T be afraid to ask me questions, just remember we are not a circus display! I'd rather you ask me questions than stare from the other side of the room. Just please be aware of my two very intuitive children. I'm proud about their adoptions & the way we made our family. As long as you are nice about it, then I'll be nice back!

Love,

Every Trans racial Adoptive Parent Known to Mankind