Lil'Guy & the Ultimate TMNT Obsession

This blog isn't for you.

I know.

Rude.

Sorry about that (kind of).

This blog is for me. Well, really it's for future can't-remember-sh...er...anything me. It's for the day that my youngest son is finally taller than I am. It's for the first time (yes I'm assuming there will be more than one) I get a call from school about my youngest smart mouth son and some sort of fight happening. It's for when he stays out too late and finds me waiting up for him, ready to lay into him. It's also for that time when he walks off for that first date with the girl that just isn't ever going to be good enough for him.

This blog is about my favorite 4 year old in the universe right now...Lil'Guy...or should I say Teenage Mutant Ninja Lil'Guy.

This dude is obsessed you guys. For real. No, seriously. He is totally off the wall with Ninja Turtles. Have I dated myself enough with these references born in 2002? No? Well my Lil'Guy seriously thinks Ninja Turtles are all that and a bag of chips. They are, in his eyes, da bomb diggity.

I love it.

He has every toy (literally) made this year. He has paraphernalia everywhere. He has a TMNT lava lamp. He carries a weapon from one of them every second that he isn't at school or church. He wears a mask every chance he gets. He would watch the movies 24 / 7 if he didn't have an older brother that is so over TMNT.



Leonardo with his Leonardo Go Kart riding for big brothers birthday.
Yes he did coordinate that car with his mask.



He bawled his eyes out when I suggested turning one of his cheaper / crappier Ninja Turtle action figure toys into a Christmas ornament (after not finding any that year in any stores).

Oh the horror.

He then bawled his eyes out again when his new $20 ornament (that I special ordered from Amazon thankyouverymuch) came in and he had to put it on the tree instead of hoarding it with his others in his TMNT laundry bag.

Sorry Lil'Guy. Not feeling sorry for you at all.
I paid $7 in shipping alone. The ornament stays on the tree. Forever. 

Every week he tries to find a reference for that week's letter to TMNT so he can bring his TMNT toys to show and tell. This week was "I", finally feeling sorry for him I gave him the suggestions of "intelligent" for Donatello. Then we figured out Iron Man and thought it was more appropriate so he sulkily agreed to take that instead (he had brought Donatello 40 times already for show and tell...don't feel too sorry for him). Speaking of figures...he always artfully takes the four ninja turtles and arranges them each day where they are together in a pack. Most days we find them on the coffee table like this:

TMNT Kumbaya.

Which, yes, means most days Lil'Dude's greatest joy in life is when he knocks them all down and hears his brother whine and cry then they usually end in some kind of tumble. Usually it's this time that Lil'Miss gleefully picks up said figures and finally gets to play with them while Lil'Guy is otherwise engaged. Our house is like the best circus show ever. Brewerman and I just sit on the couch with popcorn and pop in whenever there is a high probability of blood.

Back to turtles:

Lil'Guy calls his red bike his Raphael bike. Yes, we normally force the child to wear a helmet, but he snuck off this time without us noticing until halfway through the bike ride. Come on. We have like 4,000 kids now, give us a break.

It's a bird! It's a plane!
No! It's...Michelangelo on Raphael's bike?

He calls the blue cups in our house Leonardo cups. Much to the delight of his K-State obsessed Aunt and Uncle he loves K-State because of Donatello. It's the Donatello Football Team.

Leonardo Santa ready to pass out gifts.

My Lil'Guy would probably pass out if he ever actually met the Ninja Turtles. He gets upset when there isn't a new cartoon out that week. In order to watch the cartoons, he has to pause it so he can go get his weapons and mask on. He would put the whole costume but it's getting a little tight so luckily Nana got him a jacket he can wear instead. After the cartoon is over, during the theme song, he is bouncing around the living room doing some kicking ninja moves.

When new friends come over, if he really likes you, you will get assigned as a Ninja Turtle. Much to my good friends daughter, Myamsoawesome chagrin, if you are a girl, you do not get to be assigned to one. Sorry folks but there are no girl ninja turtles. This is not negotiable people. If you are assigned a ninja turtle for the day, you will get a mask and weapon...unless he happens to want both weapons which in case you get a crappy version of that weapon while he keeps the real one.

No as a matter of fact, he WASN'T happy to be wearing the wrong colored mask / weapon combo.
We were running late, there were threats. We settled on Michelangelo.

A word of caution: if you are assigned a ninja turtle...and you take off that mask and do not want to be one any more. You will then become mortal enemies. Poor little Jo-ulk. Luckily he's too busy quieting his inner-really-really-angry person to care too much about what Lil'Dude thinks. They WILL be BFF's one day though. Vanerellian and I will see to that.

I have never seen this child-like obsession from a child of mine. Lil'Dude gets "into" things, but not like this. Not anywhere near this. Lil'Guy is so obsessed with TMNT it's hilarious.

Most of all, what is the most hilarious, is that when my Brewerman wanted babies he wanted two things: a kid who likes baseball (Lil'Dude), and a kid who liked TMNT (Lil'Guy). God delivered.

What? It's 70 degrees? Who cares.
Go ahead...ask me to take it off.

Pretty freaking awesome people.

One day we will have to retire those masks and action figures. Like Brewerman's mom did when he was 17 and it was getting awkward. I will put away those TMNT action figures in a box once he finally stops playing with them in high school and remember them forever as a piece of my son's childhood. Then he will pry them from my cold hands if he EVER thinks I'm giving them back to him, even as an adult. Unless my grand babies like them. Oy vey. Grand babies.

Did I mention I'm going to be 30 this year? Yech.

Foundation to Attachment

Whew. Sooo...okay it's been a while. I want you to know that in my blogging queue I have at least 20 blogs that I have started and half wrote to be thrown out and never published.

It's hard to form into words how these last couple of months have been for us. It's been wonderful, it's been hard, it's been life-changing.

Every time I start to write a blog, things change and that blog doesn't apply anymore. I mean it can be 10 minutes after I write the stinking thing.

Annoying.

Well I am going to attempt to explain now, and I will apologize if this sounds a little multiple personality-ish.

The best attempt to describe what these last couple of months have been is comparing it to laying a foundation. It's our job to teach Lil'Miss how to attach properly, especially since she hasn't really been shown prior to this what healthy attachment and true loving looks like. We spent the majority of the first month undoing some of the damage that was done before. You are breaking down the wall that this little tiny person has built in order to survive. We were lucky in that the trust was built up pretty quickly, so that wall came down pretty quickly...but isn't all gone yet.

Once you are able to gain their trust and that wall is broken down enough, you focus on laying a solid foundation. If the foundation is laid down too fast, it won't be strong enough. It takes time, and each family is unique in how much time. If the foundation isn't given enough attention, it won't be smooth, if it's given too much attention, you can over-kill it and make everyone miserable. If you try to push it to get done faster  than what you need and are sloppy about it, later down the line it can crumble and fall. This isn't about here and now, this is about here and now and then. It's a big responsibility. It's exhausting.

It is especially so since you are working with a child who doesn't understand what is happening. She doesn't know that you are doing everything so that she can thrive. She doesn't understand why you want to hold her when she doesn't really like to be held...it's completely foreign to her. She resists you because it feels so odd and different than what "normal" has been shown to her to be the last two years. She doesn't recognize it as love, you have to show her that this is what love is. Kids don't like to be told what to do. Two year olds like it even less.

So you keep laying down foundation as best as you possibly can, all the while trying to convince a two year old that you are doing this because you love them. You aren't perfect...you aren't a craft at your trade. We aren't taught by our parents how to attach, because we didn't have to be, it came natural to most of us, it is natural for a baby / infant to attach to it's caregiver. It's harder as they get older, as they lose the need for constant care giving and snuggles...plus each month as they get less and less of what they emotionally need from the previous caregivers, they build up a wall. They come to you with a wall already put in place. A wall with no foundation at all.

You are also human. You aren't perfect, and no matter what or how many books you have read, you will screw up, have to undo the damage, then start over again. You lose your temper...you lose patience. You watch this little tiny person that you are putting so much effort and energy into loving spite you and not want you to touch them, and you take it personally. They don't want you. They refuse to say I love you. They only want your spouse. You reach to hug them and they turn away. You ask if they missed you and they say no. You feel rejected and it makes you want to build up your own wall between the two of you so it won't hurt so much.

In your head...you know...you realize that it's unreasonable for you to feel this way. You are the adult, they are the child. Sometimes, though, well sometimes it just hurts. There are going to be good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. The attachment for us is getting stronger and that is what I try to focus on, it's getting stronger each day. It's so much deeper than three months ago. I love that little girl, and she is loving us as well. She says "I love you" easily, most of the time, and runs to give us a kiss and a hug when we ask her to, most of the time. But we aren't in that sweet spot yet. We still have a ways to go.

I know in my head that this is not only normal, but healthy. You don't want to hurry and pour all the foundation too quickly or at the wrong times. You don't want it weak or at risks for cracks later on. A healthy, normal attachment period is anywhere from 6 months to a year.

Knowing this doesn't make me feel any less guilty, it seems. I still struggle with expecting too much out of myself. At the same time, I am honest with myself and have to sort of "redirect" myself when I feel like I am not doing enough with attachment. I'm not used to having to keep track of how many time I have cuddled my child today. I have two older boys that rarely cuddle and if they do, they certainly don't ask, just plop their big butts into my lap and snuggle in like they own it. Which of course all my kids do. It's not second nature to her either, so I have to show her, I have to focus on asking her and (yes sometimes forcing her in to) cuddling with me. With work and school and house it seems like I just don't spend enough time playing and taking the time that I need with her. I forget that. I forget that just three months ago her world was rocked. Then when I remember I feel guilty and down. I mean, what kind of mother forgets to love on her child!?

It's those times that I have to have an inner dialogue with myself. I can't focus on that or I will go crazy. I need to focus on what's important.

She is loved.

She is happy.

She is healthy.

She is thriving.

No, that's not even the right word...she is blossoming...and smiling and giggling. Her eyes sparkle and her cheeks are full and rosy. Her hair is getting longer and thicker, while her thighs get chunky. She repeats everything we say, which isn't always a good thing). She is a tomboy that loves her shoes. She adores her brothers and makes every day a little more sunny for being in it. She is a true beauty.

So yes, we have a ways to go, but in three short months we have come so far. We are a family. Even though that foundation is still curing and it's not hard and as strong as it will be, it's there...and it's being built to last a lifetime.

Bragging Alert: Best Parents Ever?

I'm going to take a few minutes out of your day and just brag for a while.

First of all: Lil'Dude has had four straight weeks without a yellow. Pure greens and blues baby, and that's with ADHD. Of course any second now the school will probably call informing me different, but until then I am sopping this UP. He is doing so good with his reading and read a book that has been "too hard" for a while now pretty easily last night. Boom. Shakalaka. Boom.

Second: Lil'Guy is doing better. By better I mean slightly less annoyed with Lil'Miss. He loves playing with her...if he could just forget that he is annoyed with her for taking his baby spot in the family he would do amazing! There is a light at the end of the tunnel though because he WANTS her to play with them. It's like they are all watching each other's backs. It's so cute. Lil'Guy also does great in school consistently...it's just normal for him so we don't brag on it nearly enough. That's kind of crappy of us, so I'm going to now. He's super smart and a pretty all around awesome kid.

Third: Okay so this is why I decided to write the blog. This is the cherry on top of the cake. Or if you are me, the huge chocolate chunk on top of the mint chocolate chip ice cream covered in chocolate crackle and thin mints. What? I'm hungry. Anyways...Lil'Miss is doing AMAZING and now we have proof. ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) came today. She was in ECI before but in another state. We didn't really see anything concerning to warrant ECI, but decided to have them come anyways.

Well...not only does this child NOT qualify for ECI but she is on the cognitive (only test they decided to do) level of a 4 year old!! She is way ahead in speech and motor skills as well. This kid is super smart. They watched her for maybe 30 minutes and most was just us talking back and forth about how she was doing and them being curious. They were also blown away by her attachment to us and how healthy it is. She doesn't have any concerns there attachment wise (she wouldn't go to them at all until I prompted her to have them help feed the baby). That is such a beautiful thing to us. These are professionals (one worked with CPS prior to her position now) and they were almost speechless. We told them some of the prior concerns and they not only didn't see anything concerning, they went on and on about how ahead she is and how well she speaks.

See? She IS a rock star. Now we have proof.

We are willing to take all the credit too. It's our awesome parenting skillz that got her this far. You are welcome Lil'Miss.

Psh.

She really is just that smart. I mean for her to come so far in so little time just blows me out of the water. She has probably doubled her speech and I would say it's gotten at least 2 - 3 times easier to understand...in just six weeks!

Amazing.


Right now I'm riding high on this cloud I call Parenting Prowess.

If you need me, I'll be putting the finishing touches on my soon-to-be-released "How to be a Better Parent and Only Half as Awesome as Me" book. Due in stores on December 32, 2012.

If this is annoying to you, just remember Triplet Parenting Wins only happen once in a blue moon. It's about as rare as getting a good picture with all three kids smiling. While they are wearing church clothes. But less so.


This weekend is THE CHRISTMAS PARADE!!!!!! You know...THIS one. We have some very special guests coming too to visit this weekend. I'm so excited! I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. (Song in head. Your welcome. I just couldn't end the blog without giving all 3 of my faithful readers a gift from my heart.)


Oh. And Ian Peanut came back three nights ago. They are always SO excited to wake up and see him in another spot. Unfortunately due to lazy parents, he  "came back to the same spot because he loved it so much" on the second night. Oops. Okay so these parenting wins don't last that long....not unlike when that stupid Elf finally does move...it just makes it more special.

Kindergarten Thanksgiving Feast

Last Friday was Lil'Dude's Thanksgiving Feast at his school. It was so fun to go to!

I got "dessert" and was only one of TWO so the pressure was on. I wanted to do something fun for the kids and had a few ideas. I then threw out all those ideas because they were all way too much work so in the midst of finding something easier, I decided on doing cookie sandwiches.

Then I wanted to do something colorful that Lil'Dude could help with, so I turned them into monsters with eyes.

Of course, after that I went to the candy aisle and wanted to add arms and hair.

THEN I found some "candy melts" that I have had forever and decided to add mouths and teeth and fun little spikes.

Halloween-Thanksgiving Monster Cookie Sandwiches

So in the end, these bad boys took probably three times the amount of time all those "other" ideas would have. Whatevs. They really make great Halloween Thanksgiving treats for his class.

What matters most is that everyone was thoroughly impressed...I mean...uh....that the kids loved them. They had a ton of fun picking out "their favorite" monster. "Mine has THREE eyes!" and "Mine has green spikes!"

Plus they thought it was so cool that Lil'Dude helped decorate them. They all went up to him and thanked them for their cookies, which was so cute. But wrong. He just slapped some candy on them, c'mon I should be thanked. Kidding! Kind of.

Before the "feast" began, each kid said what they are thankful for. My little boy says "I'm thankful for my mom." Awwwww. Heart = melted. Then as they were waiting on their turn to get food, Lil'Miss runs up to Lil'Dude and hugs his neck and jumps all around and over him. She kept kissing his head and Lil'Dude was so proud of his sister. Everyone kept asking about her and he had the sweetest look of pride on his face as he told them her name and hugged her back. Adorable!

I had a great giggle about giving the kids cookies topped with sugar topped with candy and then leaving at noon. Then the teacher pulled a fast one and "gave the option" of leaving with your child...except she said it in front of the child. Not exactly easy to get out of that one. This Kindergarten teacher is an evil genius!!

All in all it was a fantastic start to my school party years. It wasn't until I was walking out that I realized my mistake. I should have started out low. What have I done!?! Now the expectation is there and I will have to do something better the next time. You don't lay out all your cards the VERY FIRST YEAR!


Crap!

I really need these things explained to me.

Next time I'm signing up for rolls.

Welcome Home Lil'Miss!

We made it home!

Okay so we made it home like...three weeks ago? Wow. Time has flown!

We were so blessed to only have a four day ICPC. These things can take weeks, so four days is beyond awesome. We were also blessed to have a home to stay in during our short wait. I am not sure we would have been able to hold it together in a hotel room with three kids five and under. Whew.

So it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride since she has been home. Amazing, tough, emotional, and just all around adjusting. Some days are really wonderful, other days are a little tougher. I was pretty shocked that we have been going through some strong emotions ourselves. It just didn't feel real at first, and that can be tough because your world has literally been turned upside down.

Third full week back and we are in more of a routine. In many ways, things are smoother, easier...and in some ways things are getting tougher.

Lil'Dude is great with Lil'Miss. He loves playing with her and plays with her dolls as he shows her all the things she can do with them. It's quite adorable. He loves tickling her and rubbing her head. It's funny watching her touch her in little ways as he is imitating our touches. He will rub her back, hold her hand, put his hand on her cheek.

Lil'Guy...well Lil'Guy also plays well but with only about 2 years in between them, things are more up and down. He likes her, but he is definitely the one we are seeing the tougher adjustment from, which makes sense as he is the one whose place in the family has changed going from the baby to the middle. I try really hard to do things they can do together, but for the most part I think it just has to work itself out. Luckily Lil'Miss doesn't take it, so you hear her fire right back at him. Sibling love, right? What is sweet is when he forgets to be jealous, he is super protective over her.

Lil'Miss is a freaking rock star. Seriously this kid is just amazing. She is tough, and she is so relaxed. She is very easy going, but at the same time she is still two. She loves opening and closing things, and gets none too happy if she sees a missed opportunity. I have literally snuck in laundry during nap time to hurry it up. She loves her dolls, or pretty much any toy really. She is a girly girl that hates getting dirty but loves throwing rocks in the lake. The best thing of all? This new baby of ours sleeps all through the night! She seems to be attaching really well to us, more and more each day. We are keeping things consistent and quiet and I think that has helped.

Lil'Miss is giggly and smart. She reads people and situations easily. She is speaking so well for her age, and getting better each week. She is getting stronger, gaining weight (2 lbs!) and inches (1.5 inches)! She is a great little climber, and adores swinging. She loves her baby doll, though it's the cheapest ones she likes the most (go figure). She likes bows in her hair and shoes on her feet.


As far as how we are doing as the parents? Well we are getting adjusting, and attaching. I am getting used to being at home during the day, which is an adjustmenty to itself. I go back to work in a few weeks and I must admit I am looking forward to it but also worried how it will effect her. I am trusting God on this one and my instincts. He gave her to us for a reason, and I have to hope that he thinks we might know what we are doing. A little anyways.

Going from two kids to three was tough too. You feel like you are on 110% of the time. I had multiple people warn me how hard it is, I completely brushed it off. Well folks, it's tough. You get over it though after a week or so. Things just start jiving again as you find your new normal.

The biggest, most difficult thing that has happened is dealing with myself. I put some pretty tough expectations on myself. I took her experiences and I guess I expected to become supermom for her. That is not only not realistic, it's emotionally exhausting. I couldn't relax because I was reading in to everything. I was so afraid to screw things up that I forgot to just breathe and be who I am, faults and all. I wanted to give her this version of a mom that not only doesn't exist, but I am just not that person. It backfired big time and made me just want to sit down and cry, or run. It wasn't until I got past that, and realized that what she needs is me...just me. She needs us to live our lives as we normally do, be consistent and fair.

She needs someone who is going to love her even if she does refuse to eat dinner because you made her set her drink down. She needs someone who will make her smile and giggle when she is feeling sad. She doesn't have to have someone who is going to do pinterest projects with her day in and down out. She needs someone who will take her to the park and let her throw rocks in the mud, then quickly wipe off her hands each time.

She needs someone who will get frustrated then come back and apologize when she is feeling stressed. She just needs me to be there.

It wasn't until I finally realized all that, when I finally could enjoy things. I relaxed and, once I relaxed, I could literally feel my heart swelling to make room for one more. It's true that saying....your heart grows with each child. At first it felt like I was forcing my heart to grow...like it was so full and there just wasn't enough room. Now it feels like it's bursting and in the best way possible.


So welcome home Lil'Miss. We have been waiting for you and we are pretty darned happy you are finally in your forever home. I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Swinging Smiles

Happy Halloween!

Attitude

First Family Photo
Note to self: family photos AFTER lunch next time

Placement Day in her gorgeous dress she picked out!

God is full of surprises! (I mean, come on, the last thing I ever thought this next child would look like is strawberry blond haired with blue eyes.)

Attachment and Our New Lil'Miss

We were placed with our forever daughter on Sunday!! Lil'Miss is absolutely fantastic. It was crazy as expected. It was a big huge whirlwind and emotions have been hitting hard ever since. I will post as many details as we can in another post, once I get all my craziness together to post. Which will probably be next year. Ha!

 It's so unique since she is older than a newborn. She has been really really good though and very flexible. We have been focusing on attachment for both her and us. Brewerman and my little men left to go back home yesterday and I hated that. Still do. It feels wrong, but I'm glad to spend some much-needed one on one time with my new daughter (!!) so we can get to know each other a little bit.

Of course I'm running on fumes right now, but I thought I would throw some things out for my family and friends who might think we've gone a little missing lately.
 
- We are an emotional mess right now. I promise we will update and call back most everyone eventually but we all have a pretty powerful adjustment stage to get through. It is going amazing but we still have work to do. We all have a lot to process, her, the boys, and us. Until we do, we are going to really stick together until everyone is secure in their place. I am going through about 1,000,000 differing emotions at the same time, as is she and really all of us. Be patient with us, and please keep the prayers coming.

- We will not be rushing to introduce her to people, family and friends alike. We have to be extremely sensitive to her needs, and I will be gauging this as we go. Right now, things are still too new and raw to throw another dozen people in the mix. While we do introduce her to people, we will keep the groups small. Please don't get offended if we don't reach out right away. This is difficult for us as well, we want to show her to the world and shout from the roof top, but she is our first priority here.

- Well will not be introducing her to very many people the first few weeks, even months. If you do see me out with her at the park or store, ask me before doing anything with her. Keep touch to a minimum and let me take care of most of her needs such as helping her on swings, etc. We will be doing lots of walks and that is a great time to catch up if you want to catch a walk with me.

- I will not be available very much via phone or email. I want to keep distractions to a minimum. Our main 100% focus is attaching with her, and that's through a lot of play. As you can imagine, we are going to be pretty exhausted. :)

- Please leave any and all discipline to Brewerman and I until we say it's okay otherwise. Do not reprimand her, if she is doing something that needs it, please come and get us. Please also don't judge our reactions or how we handle discipline with her. We are working on a different goal here.

- Be careful not to force her to hug, kiss, hold, or say hello to you. If she says no, please respect that as she learns to trust you. She might ignore you, if so, remember to not let your feelings get hurt. Let her be independent, if you want to feel close to her then get on her level and play with her. Attachment at this age is mainly through play so if you want to feel close to her, then play with her! And boy, does she LOVE to play.

When we do introduce her to you, due to attachment purposes, until we say otherwise, we would love it if you would please only let Brewerman and I do the following:

- Any and all feeding or drinking. If she asks you for a drink, please come and get either her dad or I and we will get her what she needs. THIS IS A MUST.
- Diaper changes of any sort. I know, I know, this is a huge sacrifice for some of you. Ha!
- Please keep tight holds or over affection to a minimum. I'm not saying ignore her, but don't hold her for a long time either. If she asks you to or you want, please just put her down after a short hug and if she wants more, redirect her to us. This will be hard, especially for my family, but please know that it won't be forever. We just have to establish our core relationship first, then we can all crazy love on her like we do all of them.

For everyone who is asking what we might need, if you would really like to help, below is a short list of things that we will be needing in the upcoming month or so. Please don't feel like you must do any of these, but if you do feel inclined we would adore:

- Your love and prayers first and foremost. God is all up in this in so SO many ways.
- Your understanding for all the points above.
- Play ideas for a two year old! Projects that we can do, ideas with a how-to attached to them, or even just...maybe drop off everything we would need to do a fun project? That would be amazing. She loves to color and do projects, and we will need ones for just her and ones that we could do with boys to get them all involved in play as well.
- Oh my...meals...snacks...lunches. Even just the items we need to make it with a recipe (I do love to cook but finding the time and energy to put together recipes...ugh...Nat-o-planner will NOT be making herself known for a while). Or even just ideas for easy snacks and recipes and lunches. As we said, our focus is going to be 100% on her and our kids. We are going to be focusing all our time on attachment, but we don't just have her to think about, our boys are going to be going through the same thing as well.
-  Play dates for my boys without us, especially during the weekends for an hour or so, separately and/or together. They are going to be pretty sick of being home and not seeing friends they are so used to being around.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying and thinking about us. We are so happy with her. She is beautiful inside and out. I am not going to lie though, the days ahead of us are sort of daunting to us. It's a tad overwhelming to think about. It isn't always going to be easy, but it can and will not only work out but it is going to be amazing. We know that if we give this everything we have and really really develop the strong attachment early, it will make everything so much easier and sweeter for all of us in the long run.

Just Hours Away from that First Meeting

Today we will meet her.

Can I describe the feelings I am having right now?

Let me set the scene. It's 5am, I am on the couch in our awesome hotel room (shout out to my friends for the recommendation) and I'm trying not to wake anyone. I am holding in tears.

I have woken up four times already with disappointment as I see it's still not morning. This is a good sign. Usually when I'm not able to sleep means things will really happen. Each time I get a good nights sleep, things fall apart. Which is quite funny because I am an awesome sleeper and I think this is only the third time I have not been able to sleep like this because of a potential situation...the other two being each of my boys.


Now, as far as how I am feeling? I am elated, giddy, excited, and so nervous. I want to call it and say that baby girl is my daughter (heart stopping) but there is a guard around my heart from all those "might be's" that weren't. So I am also terrified.

Utterly terrified.

Because I think I already love her.

Nope.

I do.

Which means I will fall apart if this doesn't work out. I know we need to focus on the positive, hope that if it "was meant to be, it will". But. I want her. Her. I want her giggles and smiles and cries and I want to be the person who is calming her and loving her and lifting her up to do great things.

I.Want. Her.


To admit that is terrifying, because if this doesn't happen (what I admit is a slim chance, but you can never be certain), when everyone asks how I am doing...and I smile and say "Oh it's fine, we know the right child will come our way." They will all know, it's a big fat lie and I am dying a little inside.


So now that we have gotten that out of the way, I can also tell you that I am so hopeful. I am ready to begin the journey. I am ready to meet her and to let her meet us. I am 80% excited and 20% scared out of my mind....with a nice coating of 100% nervous. What if she doesn't like me? What if I talk to loud? What if I scare her? Will my boys be okay? Will they like her? Will we say the right things? What if she hates me?

Most of all....oh man, most of all I just want that baby girl to be in our home, and I want to love her with all of my soul and watch her receive the same love from Brewerman and my beautiful boys. I want to give her everything she would ever need and about 75% of everything she would ever want just as we do the boys. I want to start the work toward becoming a family of five. I want to watch as the boys become just as fiercely protective ovr her as they are of each other.

Well...

As long as she doesn't even think about touching the Ninja Turtles.