We did it!!

 

 

I have been wanting to rip out the bushes in front of our house since the day we moved in. They completely block the view of my kids playing outside and the pond and fountain across the street.

Plus, oh em gee we have spent way too much time cutting the darn things. I hate hate hate hate those dumb bushes. I really want to find the guy who planted them and beat him upside the head with them...okay that's a little drastic. Or not.

We had a weekend without soccer last weekend and because they forecasted rain and crappy weather we decided it would be perfect timing. Sarcasm. Because my husband can do nothing the normal way, he actually attached the bushes to a rope and then to our car and ripped them out. Because of course we did.

I am so mad I didn't get a picture of it. However, at that point I could barely move. Apparently, we aren't teenagers anymore and our bodies hate us.

It dramatically changed the look but most importantly the functionality of the front of our home. We kept some of the bushes, transplanted others, and threw away a ton. We replaced them with Hawthornes and a few other plants in varying texture and color. I can't wait for them to bloom. The roots in the awful, horrible, no-good, very bad before bushes were a b*&ch to dig up. I have already decided we are never ever doing that again. Although it was not the best way to spend a rainy weekend, I am so glad we did and so proud of it! Whoo-hoo!

The Taos Ski Vacation and ALL THE STUFF

I believe we deserve some sort of award for going on a ski vacation with three kids...

1. We drove ten hours in the car with three kids in one row. I'm quite positive our car was shrinking by the minute. We all exploded out of it the second we arrived, along with all the trash that only three children can accumulate in ten long hours.


They deny this moment ever happened.

Three kids in one bed asleep by 10pm.
We just earned ourself a medal.

2. Two of our kids skiied four days. That is remembering helmets, gloves, ski jackets, boots, pants, goggles, neck cover, socks, boots, skis, Carmex, and sunscreen for four flipping days. Then you have to put them on all the children.

3. I skiied with them for two days and didn't even make them besides one minor break down where I may or may not have cried and screamed and threw my pole at Brewerman for something that was entirely not his fault, I did pretty damn good.

4. We went during Texas spring break for school kids. No, this didn't mean bras and panties flying down the lifts...more like the ski schools were packed and the parking lots were full of people who drive to fast...because apparently every single family with young kids in school had the same idea we did.

5. Despite being way more work than I remember it being when I was a kid and not a parent, we want to go back. Like today.

6. We fit all our crap in a Ford Explorer. Including the three extra meals we didn't need. I know this is a bit of a shock to you all...but I did over pack a teeny weeny bit. We still fit it all. Tetris baby...I knew it would come in handy one day. We did buy a Thule topper for our ski which was a lifesaver (and half off since it had a scratch from shipping -boo yah!). That thing was awesome to throw your skis and poles into at the end of the day.

Kids: Weeeeee VACATION
Me: Is it getting smaller in here or is it just me?
Brewerman: Are we there yet?

In all honesty it was a pretty darn awesome trip. Just imagine skiing in the beautiful moutain air with the sun shining down on you every single day. We had plenty of skiing options for our more adventurous side (pre-lunch beers) and our calmer side (post-lunch beers). Plus we got to ski TWO DAYS without children. That means we had two full meals that included adult conversation, snarky people watching, beer, and NO SPILLED DRINKS!



Weeeee! No kids!

Taos Ski Valley is a hidden gem in the ski world. It's a smaller resort compared to the big Colorado guys a few hours away but the people there are so laid back and the culture so rich, it's perfect for families. We ended up renting a friend's parent's home that was in between the valley and town. It was an amazing place to stay with breathtaking views and gorgeous decor. It was so nice to come home from a long day and relax with an outdoor fire or sit in the hot tub.



Our View. From the hot tub. Be Jealous.

Despite the fact that we went during spring break, the lifts weren't overly busy and once you got on to the mountain, you didn't feel it at all. However, where you did feel it was the ski school. It really was the busiest two days of the year for them, so you have to keep that in mind and the people were very nice despite some really rude customers. It was frustrating at times though because it could take an hour or two just to pick up your child, so it cut down on our ski time. By Wednesday though, the number of enrollments dropped dramatically and it was easy and organized to pick up your child again. The actual school did a great job teaching our boys to ski. Lil'Dude completely picked back up skiing and improved drasticall in two days. Lil'Guy took a little longer to learn but they were so accomodating and really want these kids to not only learn but love it. Lil'miss went to a nearby daycare since she is a little too young to ski but we will probably put her in next year just to join in on the fun. Plus we really enjoy the challenge of getting three kids woken up, fed, and shoved into four thousand layers by 9am...somehow timing it to where they don't have to pee the minute you get that last piece on.

The ski valley was about a 15 minute drive from our house (located between the valley and town). It is a beautiful drive and since there is zero cell service you are forced to enjoy it. Ha ha...but seriously. The people in Toas are laid back and accomodating of all the tourists and kids that are learning to ski.

Hello gorgeous

The moutain is gorgeous. The runs were a lot of fun and they had a pretty decent variety for beginner and more advanced skiing. There were more moguls than I would have liked on the black runs, but there were plenty of other options too. Brewerman and I actually talked about taking a class on moguls because although we are horridly bad at them, they are a lot of fun when you do them right. A favorite run of ours with Lil'Dude is the terrain park. The mountain is easy to find your way around to with a lot of options including short runs connecting longer runs for those with a group that might have a few different skill levels. They also have maps at the end of each lift to help you find your way. Our favorite part of the mountain was near the Kachina Lift, there were some wide runs that were a touch steeper. 

Taos Sunset

Lil'Dude still hates greens so he stuck to blues and Lil'Guy stuck to the easy greens and the beginner trail. There was a bad moment where Lil'Guy accidentally went down a blue instead of a green. We were too far down to go back up so he had to finish it. He did pretty darn well and only crashed at the end because he panicked. However, I was crying, he was crying, and it wasn't my finest moment. I wanted to pick him up and carry him down the mountain and NEVER SKI AGAIN EVER WITH MY BABIES. Luckily Brewerman was there, saw I was at the brink of a breakdown, and lovingly took over.

Lil'Dude couldn't do enough and wanted to go FASTER and FASTER. He told us at least 1091 times that he could "do moguls" to the point we almost let him try it. The first day we took him skiing with just Brewerman and I, we started with a green. He hated it, we did a blue and he was home. He refuses to ski side to side but he shifts like a pro and it's probably the cutest thing ever.

Lil'Miss had a lovely time at the center she stayed at but her highlight was tubing. Taos has a great tubing area set up by the ski valley and it's a lot of fun. It's a little expensive, but totally worth it to go at least once. Oh my gosh, Lil'Miss giggled hard core going down the mountain in a tube. That little girl is fearless, y'all. She was by far the youngest little thing there but she went over and over. She stole the hearts of the kids working the tubes too, they got the biggest kick out of this tiny spitfire asking to go faster and MORE MORE!

TUBES!

Silly Fearless Lil'Miss giving her mama a heart attack

Another item on the "must see" list is the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge. It's only about 10 minutes or so outside of town and it's beautiful. Well, at least it is for someone not afraid of heights. For some reason the combination of that and having my kids within a 40 foot radius of it made me go temporarily insane. I could barely walk and was shaking. Even my little jerk kids were making fun of me. So not cool. I only let them walk a third of the way across before I sobbed and made every one of them come back to solid ground amoungst lots of whining and complaining.


The normal photo pose of my kids: TMNT Fighting stance, Sassy, and "ihatephotos"

I'm totally enjoying the moment...and trying not to throw up.

Love this picture, my sunglasses cover the panic in my eyes.

Taos itself is gorgeous. The sun shines beautifully most days, and there is almost no humidity. By the time you drive out of the valley the temperature rises and some days we were wearing tank tops. I would highly recommend leaving a day to visit the city. The town has so much history and love poured into it, it's worth a walk around. When you are there, stop by Moby Dickens Bookshop and say hi to our friends (the owners). You can find some pretty amazing books there. We got a Willy Wonka Pop-up book there that has quickly became my kid's favorite. If you are a reader, this will be your Nirvana. If I didn't have my kids with me I could have curled up and read for hours.

Moby Dickens Bookstore - Seriously cool place

While you are reading those books you just bought, stop by Coffee Cats for a latte. That Chai Latte was one of the best I have had and I'm still craving it.

Oh. OH and the food. The food here in New Mexico is fantastic. The enchilada sauce...the green chiles...oh my. We had breakfast at The Toas Diner and ate some amazing Huevos Rancheros with Red and Green Sauce (Red Chile or Green Chile...both is called "Christmas" to those not from New Mexico). The green sauce is usually less spicy but both are packed with flavor. You can get green chiles with everything here...at St. Bernard they have an entire bar of condiments including green chiles you can slop on your burger. Plus you can eat on the deck and watch the skiers fall like I did.

You have to ski to The Bavarian Restaurant in order to enjoy the German beer...oh yeah and food I guess. It's worth the short walk from the lift though. The Spatzle was amazing though a tad heavy if you plan on skiing blacks after. I had the Hefewizen and Brewerman had the Oktoberfest beers, both delightful. It's a tad pricy for every day but I mean, come on, sausages and good beer? Totally a must-stop.


Beer - good; meal without kids - better

One of the things that makes the drive to and from the ski slope much easier, is that stop to Taos Cow. Whether it's a latte in the morning, or ice cream in the afternoons, it quickly became a ritual for us. With ice cream flavors like Lavendar or (my personal fave) Cinnamon, we all enjoyed the treat after a long day on the slopes.

We are lucky enough to have some amazing friends that live there as well. Our boys are all just as crazy as the other so they of course had a ball. It isn't too often we find another child than can keep up with Lil'Dude, but he found his match! I miss these transplants from Texas a lot but we are already planning to come up between Christmas and New Years. You can't really convince someone to come back to Dallas when you have experienced Taos.

Good Friends, Good Times...baaaad Sunburn

We have been told the summer is just as fun as the winter and I can imagine. I was itching to go hiking and visit the springs in the area, or even the Taos Pueblo. Seriously folks, if you have a family and are thinking of bringing the skiing...I highly recomend Toas. Between the sunshine, snow, and just breathtaking scenery it's well worth the ten hour drive from Dallas. It's a fantastic place to take the family and get away for a bit.

Letting Go of Your Plan

So if you haven't already, please run over to my good friend Traci's website, Wellness Mamas, and check out the article I wrote. It's raw, and I really had very little control with this one. It just sort of came out no holds barred:

Click this link: Letting Go of Your Plan

While you are at it, like her page and follow her website! It's a website that is by women for women. It's to support women in all their health and wellness goals including business, parenting, and lifestyles. She just started it and it's growing! Wanna contribute? Contact her and she would LOVE to hear from guest writers!


It's funny though because after writing this article, it became apparant to me that it apples to so many areas of my life. Maybe not as drastic as infertility, but I think in order to truley succeed in life our life plan is constantly shifting and changing. After having the priveledge of hearing other people's reaction to the article, they opened up about different life changes, ones that still rocked them to the core. I love that.

Have you had huge changes to your "life plan"? I would love to hear your story as well!

Halloween 2013 - This is the Night that Never Ends

...and it goes on and on my friends. Some people starting singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because....

Mwahaha. I do so love giving my friends annoying things that will stay in their heads forever.

THIS is how Halloween feels though. The candy rush hasn't went away one week later, the costumes were talked about and asked about and begged to be worn well before October was here. We plotted our course, we went to fall fests...we decorated our house. It was all good fun and then, by November 1st, I was very very happy we had another year before the next Halloween.

This year we started with decorating the house. I haven't really ever done a lot of decorations but I had a Halloween Bunco I hosted so it gave me a great excuse to start. The kids flipped over it. They told me that their house is the BEST house on the whole block. Seriously though, it's creepy how my kids know just what to say to manipulate this probably-too-competitve mom to doing this every year. Their reactions were so adorable and they had me so puffed up that this will be a yearly tradition now. MY HOUSE WINS! Plus I found the BEST PUMPKINS EVER. Seriously, they are amazing. AMAZING. Just look at them, check out thier thick stems and beautiful color. Admire...then be jealous.

Best house EVER. I win. You lose.

The weekend prior to Halloween most of my neices and nephews came down with my sister who is on the brink of madness as her husband is out of town for way too long for his job. So naturally, she got the heck out of dodge and came to my house so our kids can play and leave us alone have a great time. My mom came with her and it was a fabulous girl's weekend with our 157 kids.

The 157 kids with their Nana

Then (quite literally) the night before Halloween we suddenly realized we hadn't carved pumpkins and to my horror I realized we had to cut open my beautifulamazinggorgeous pumpkins. WHAT!? Did I mention I loathe carving pumpkins? Okay so that's not true, I like doing it for about 5 seconds, until that nasty smell hits you...and you have to scoop out that grossness. Lil'Miss and I were in agreement in this. Plus...MY PUMKINS! Wah. Brewerman was just happy that he got to carve pumpkins with power tools. It turns out my fancy pants pumpkins were also incredibly thick and a pain to cut. It's like they were crying the whole time "I'm so gorgeous...how could you!?"

*sigh*

Power Tools.

Our Ninja Turtle Pumpkin and Worty the Witch

Jack-O-Lantern

My kids are awesome.

When Halloween did finally come 90 years later, it turned out to be a blast. I dressed up as a witch complete with a bunch of moles, my kids thought that was hilarious. I must admit I sorta adore having older kids now. Yes, it's terribly sad they aren't tiny and mushy and rolley any more but now that they are older, they are champion trick or treaters. No slow walking, no complaining about tired feet, no waiting, those kids are ready to go. I adore this part, because this means more good candy for mom....and the 11 year old kid in me is running, laughing, and complaining about the ones that give you crappy candy right along with them. With my wine of course. Best of both worlds? I think so!

We stayed out until about 9pm or so, closed down most of the homes around here. Lil'Miss was a champ and ready to go..that is until she fell and tore her tights...after that she was D O N E.

Lil'Guy as Michaelangelo. SHOCK he was a ninja turtle.

Lil'Dude as a Skeleton

 

My Ballerina. She tried to do a switcheroo last minut to Little Mermaid.
So I plopped a Little Mermaid crown on her head and all was right with the world.

Ready to stop taking pictures and get candy dangit.

Witch with her Wine Ready to TorT
Brewerman is obviously ver serious about passing out candy.

 

9 PM - still out closing down homes
(See my wine? Empty..time to go home kids!)

Now if someone can please get this candy out of my house so my kids will return to normal and I will stop getting fat. I can't do it...I have no will power. I will fight you...probably literally, but just ignore my cries and sobs and shake me off your foot and take it anyway.

But seriously, you can have my candy when you pry it out of my cold dead hands.

I mean my uh...my kid's candy...yeah..the "kid's" candy...of course I meant that.

*Goes and hides all the candy just in case someone does come.*

One Year Later - Lil'Miss

Soooo it's been a while.

Let me explain...first of all, you all know I suck. Also, for those that were around with my other two babies, you also know I sorta go into hiding the year after I get a new addition to the family.

Speaking of which, it has been a year since Lil'Miss joined our family!!

Lil'Miss has changed and bloomed so much over the past year. She went from wearing size 12 month clothes...to (almost) 4t. Do you realize that means I have changed out her clothes like a billion times? I don't think I could have survived that feat if it wasn't such a joyous occasion each time. That and a shout out to my sister who singlehandedly drowned me in clothes for her for each size.

But OH has Lil'Miss grown in more than just size...she is writing her name like a champ, her speech is perfect, and she is such a perfectly happy healthy little thing. She has a temper that most people don't see and has mastered the art of the perfect pout...everyone that meets that little girl adores her. She has a way about her that attracts attention and people everywhere fall in love with her instantly. She is funny, smart, trusting, and so so giggly. She also loves to ask questions.

This past year was like watching a butterfly slowly open it's wings. I know that is a little corny but it's just so damn true. Every month Lil'MIss would grow and shine a little more. Her smile would grow stronger and deeper...her skin is rosier, her eyes sparkle just a little more. Each month we would gain a little more of her trust. After her beginning, for her to so openly and willingly trust us, it blows me away. God's love shines from that little girl.

We have all attached really well, though it has definitely deepened as time progresses. We are still perfecting our attachment, smoothing it out, but the rough roads seem to be mostly behind us. While we are very realistic and understand that we will continue to see effects in to her future, we are cautiously optimistic.

I really wish I could find the words for this past year, but it is just so personal and raw....I just haven't been able to form a blog about it. I'm not sure if I ever will. It is why I haven't blogged really....It's a roller coaster of emotions and a lot of them you are not proud of, and then others are so overwhelming that it brings you to your knees. I was so hoping to share with you as I went, but it just proved to be too much. I'm sorry about that...I will try to put into words what I couldn't at the time...

I am not one of those people that attach right away and never look back. Attachment was a process for me. I initially attach strongly, but to dig deep into those barriers of attachment, each day, week, month was a struggle. I had to be fully aware all the time, and sometimes I didn't like what I saw (with me), other times I felt like we did so so well. I can't even tell you how we got this far, in many ways it's a blur of sleepless nights and anxiety, wondering if we are doing the right thing for her or if we should be doing something more for her.

I also didn't expect for my love for my boys to be a barrier as well....it is VERY hard not to compare your love for your children to this new child and what ensues is a lot of guilt and self-hatred. My husband helped me to just calm down on that and to just take it day by day. I did...and now I can honestly say I love my children each very very deeply, just as deeply, in so many different ways. It doesn't happen overnight though, and that is something I had to come to grips with.

I had to tell myself to stop weighing and disecting the love I have for her...and just LOVE her.

What is possibly the hardest thing I had to do?

Forgive myself. Forgive myself each time that I wasn't the mom I should have been this past year. Forgive myself every time I fell down...

Lil'Miss was a champ attachment wise...she was so trusting and loving. When I think back on this past year and how much her life changed, well it astounds me how easily she has accepted us. We had to teach her what love is, we had to help her feel comfortable with love, touch, other people. It was still a slow process and each month she opened more and more.

One year later....and she tells us she loves us all by herself and at random moments. She asks for kisses and hugs. She will randomly come up to me and sit beside me with her head on my arm....not because she is feeling insecure or wants attention, just because she wants to cuddle and love me and have me love her. I don't think anyone can ever understand how much a child needs security and love...until they have been around one without that.

The boys' attachment has been the easiest part...though it still wasn't exactly easy. It's still tough on Lil'Guy at times. I think out of everyone, he has had the most difficulty and ups and downs. He doesn't always know how to show his frustration or how he feels, and he is so stinking perceptive. Of course that also could be a big old case of 5-year-old-itis. Then there are the times that we wake up on Saturday and instead of fighting we hear giggles and Lil'Guy and Lil'Miss are having a tea party in her room, or playing house. Melts my heart!

In many ways though, the year mark was just the beginning. Now the deep attachment has begun and, just like my boys, each day I love them more and more, though I can't imagine loving them any more than I do today.

So I leave you today with a video I made my daughter. Her placement is so different than the boys, and because of how small and frail she was when she came and what a tigress she is now, I wanted something that would portray that. Show the world what exactly I mean when I say that watching her grow this past year has been like watching a butterfly unfold it's wings.


YouTube: Lil'Miss One Year

Motherhood: The Battle (2003 - 2012)

Sorry I have been away for a while. Honestly things have been so nuts with moving and what not, I haven't felt truly inspired to write. As you can tell by the crazy diversity of posts here, I only write when I feel inspired. It works better for me but it's also hard because those are usually the most open posts emotionally speaking.

This is one of those posts.

Mother's Day is coming up.

Mother's Day comes with a lot of painful, tearful, gut wrenching baggage for me. It used to be a day that I dreaded all year. It used to be yet one more very painful reminder of what I didn't, and couldn't, have. It was quietly sobbing at home in the bathroom after yet another church service where I couldn't stand up. It was calling my sister and mother and wishing them a Happy Mother's Day and trying not to hear the pity in their voice. It was listening to other moms talking about how they couldn't wait to just take a break and have a day away from their kids on Mother's Day...and then trying not to judge and die a little on the inside as I sit in my empty house without squeals of laughter to fill it. It was a retched reminder of what was already known to be missing in my life. Mother's Day was one of those days where I just wanted to crawl back in to bed and wake up the next day.

With all that being said, I do love to celebrate Mother's Day now that I am a mother. I saw an article asking pastors to be more aware of the pain of the childless by force and asking them to be more sensitive. I totally get that...but at the same time, as a mother of three....I want that time to stand. I want to be acknowledged. Motherhood is it's own challenge and, while it hurt like hell to not have that for so long, it deserves a day to be recognized and celebrated.

Mother's Day, for me, is like celebrating the victory over a glorious battle or war. That is because becoming a mother was a battle for me...a long intense, emotionally draining, exhausting battle. Nothing has been easy for me to become a mother. No step was simple. I didn't just get to decide to become a mother. I had to work tooth and nail to earn the right to be called mom. I had to put myself out there for the world to see and judge. I had to fight with every fiber of my being and then step back and hope like hell that everything would fall into place. I had no control and I wanted to give up more times than I can count. I had to endure so much pain to even have the chance to be a mother.

Mother's Day is a day for me to remember....

I remember going through infertility and walking into Babies R' Us to buy a baby gift for a friend with a knot in my throat, feeling like I was an impostor for being there.

I remember holding back my jealousy and tears when my sister called and told me she had her first baby and I heard that sweet newborn cry in the background.

I remember how going to church was so hard because all you saw were happy families all around you.

I remember sitting outside that fertility clinic with my head on the steering wheel...sobbing until there were no tears left and asking my Grandma in heaven to please help me keep going on.

I remember being so freaking pissed off at God...

I remember all that hope...that whole month where you just "knew" that this was it...then the heart stopping pain that followed yet another negative test. I remember calling my mom and the pain in her voice as well because she couldn't fix it for me.

I remember that moment...that moment when I knew I would never ever be pregnant or have a child biologically. I remember the grieving that we went through...the silent tears and pain of not only your personal loss but then to see your spouse in pain as well.

I remember all the stress of starting the adoption process....(all three times) I remember how daunting everything felt...how it can feel like all your insecurities and weaknesses are on display.
 
I remember reading all those books about adoption and being so scared to death that our child would hate us that we almost quit the whole process.

I remember walking out of orientation that first time and being so emotionally exhausted that we could barely make it home.

I remember rocking myself back and forth and sobbing uncontrollably the day we were told to turn around...that the parents changed their mind and would be parenting their child.

I remember how cold and lonely the house felt that next day...

I remember driving three hours with red-rimmed eyes and hoping that this time would be different and we would make it there without being turned away.

I remember driving back home with the child we had always wanted and calling my sister because after all those years of preparation, I didn't even know how to make a bottle.

I remember wanting a second child so badly and yet being so being terrified to start the adoption process again...so terrified to get hurt again.

I remember shaking as we and prepared to call a mom who was thinking about placing with us and hoping like hell I wouldn't screw up.

I remember watching another mother's soul get crushed as she handed over her newborn child to me...all because she wanted him to have more than she felt she could give. I remember being in awe for the second time of that amount of love...

I remember informing Brewerman that there was no way my 2 day old child and his social worker were flying with out me as we waited for our fingerprints to go through and I was buying a one-way ticket no matter what it costs whether he liked it or not. I remember Brewerman immediately agreeing and paying the outrageous one-way ticket without a second thought. I remember falling in love all over again with that man at that moment.

I remember sitting in another town with Lil'Dude and waiting on the phone call that our fingerprints went through and we could pick up my child. I remember being so worried that he thought his mommy abandoned him.

I remember choking back tears when we learned about a little girl that needed us. I remember forcing myself not to drive there right then and get her.

I remember lying in the hotel room at 2am wide awake and praying for a little girl I barely knew. I remember being so worried that she wouldn't like us that I couldn't eat or sleep.

I remember calling the social worker and being a mess after that first meeting and having her talk me down from a ledge as we drove away from that little girl. I remember how wrong that felt...to be driving away from her.

I remember watching as a little girl got to pick out a dress that would be all hers...watching her eyes light up with joy...because she felt pretty for the first time in a long time.

I vividly remember the first time that each of my children called me mommy.

I remember each and every moment where we finally knew we would be parents again. I remember each day that we took placement of our children, and I remember how exhilarating it was. I remember how lucky I felt to be a mom again.

I remember the responsibility I felt after placement of each child. The huge weight that each of us mothers have, to raise our children to the best of their ability.

I remember my back being sore those first few weeks after placement of all three of my kids...that specific lower back pain that only us moms know...from carrying around our children.

I remember walking up to my room one night...and seeing legos...dolls...and a few books scattered on the floor...and just smiling.

Once I became a mother, the challenges didn't stop there. I am a parent to a child that has some serious struggles with ADHD. I have three children that were adopted, one at the age of two, and each have very distinct stories. I am a white mother with two black children and one white. I am a mother who lives 5 hours away from their extended family. I am a mother who works full time. Everything surrounding Mother's Day comes with such emotions for me because Motherhood itself comes with such emotions....such strong emotions of love, pain, exhaustion, hope, worry, pride...

But...

I am a mother.

After all that....I am who I always wanted to be...a mother. Not a better mother, not a worse mother, just a mother.

I am a mother to three amazing children. Every second of every pain is worth it when I feel the joy that comes when I think of how perfect my family is.

Mother's day is a celebration alright...but it's also a time to remember the fight, the intense battle that it took to become what my family is right now...to get the pleasure and honor of having the three best children in the entire universe call me Mom.

The Pinterest Incident

You know those pinterest projects you see online? You are like "WOW, that is so easy! I could totally do that!!" I have had many of those moments as we get ready for our new home. I have been somewhat......inspired.

This particular incident has nothing do with the kids. I can't even blame it on the kids, though I'm sure if you gave me enough time I could figure out a way to. This is all me baby...and Brewerman. Who was no help at all as he was laughing like a hyena. 

It all started with a kitchen table. I found one that could actually sit us all on the cheap, it just needed painted black. No problem right? I might even "distress" it oooooooo because that is REALLY easy when I am sitting on my fat butt looking at Pinterest.

I go to the local Sherman Williams store.

I want something that LASTS I say, oil based paint - he says! I buy, he smiles, I wince as I pay, then I leave. Of course I want to start RIGHT away so I get to sanding. This is easy! I am loving this. Psh, people pay hundreds for this and look at me, just kicking it out. Vanerellian stopped by and asks me slowly "You plan on doing all of this tonight?" I smirk, "Of course! Look at me! I'm so cool!" BLAH. 

Anyways, after sanding, I go out to paint. Painting looks so easy, and "is" so easy...if you are painting a 4"x4" canvas square. A dining table (with fancy schmancy legs with fancy schmancy crevices that I just HAD to have) is not. Throw in a bench and 5 chairs with a million poles each and someone should have just punched me in the face a couple times, I'm sure I'd be less sore.

As a painting novice I may have bit off more than I can chew. The round poles on the chairs were like torture devices by the time I got to the fifth gosh darn mother loving chair. At that point the only reason I kept going is because Brewerman told me a couple times that I needed to stop and do the rest the next day. Challenge accepted.

At one point I got paint on my arm, then the other arm, then I looked like a tattooed biker complete with face tattoos and a pissed off attitude. I dipped my hair in the paint lid can that I decided to keep in the middle of the floor like the idiot I am. I immediately went to wash it out, Brewerman told me to just let it dry first. I shrugged and went on my painting freaking way.

FINALLY I get done. Last f#$&*# bench is done and painted. My hands resemble cramped up claws, but it was done. 

Now time to clean up.

Wait.

Oil freaking-Based freaking paint.  

Hmmm...okay well paint thinner will have to be used for my biker arms. That worked well even though I was sure I just gave myself cancer. 

Now for a shower.

Wait.....remember that "dipped my hair in paint". Huh, that chunk o' paint is now holding half my hair in one giant dried up rubberish worm like...thing.

I go for shampoo....well that didn't work. F&*#$(& Brewerman. "Just let it dry." 

I immediately scream at him from the bathroom and we have a five minute discussion on paint thinner in my hair and if it will bleach. As the glob that is my hair refuses to give one last time I just tell him to go for it.

And that is where we went wrong, folks. Terribly...terribly...wrong.

B: "Cup your hand and I will pour thinner in it and just rub it in your hair."

N: "Oh god just hurry! My hair! Oh my god, my hair!!" 

B: "Okay here we go."

N: "Okay it's working"

B: "Holy shit"

N: "WHAT!?!? What!?! Oh god, am I a blond?"

B: "Oh my gosh, Natalie, look down."

*Gray streaks of watered down paint thinner and paint are pouring down me. Except it's oil-based...they don't go away!! I look like a bruised prostitue from the 20's complete with the rolls."

N: "GAAAAAH, Brewerman GET IT OFF!! What the hell!!?! I freaking TOLD you I shouldn't have let it dry. What is going on!?! AHHHHHH!"

*Brewerman is laughing his ass off.*

At this exact moment, paint thinner gets in my eyes from what once was normal hair and is now dripping poison and paint.

N: "OWWWW!! SOB *beep, beep, beep* I have paint thinner in my eyes!" *Wildly throws my arms in the air.*

B: "Shut the water off!!"

N: "I can't see! I'm dying!!"

B: "Oh god, I'll shut it off"

N: "Ahhhhhh my eyes!"

Brewerman starts laughing again as we realize the full amount of grey that is now splattered all over me. Then immediately stops laughing as we realize it is splattering all over our about-to-be-sold shower. I would have too but my eyes were swollen shut by that time.

B: "Oh shit. It's all over!! We have to get this off the shower! SOB!! Why does this always happen when we sell our homes!? Here!" 

Brewerman then throws paint thinner all over the shower and hands me a towel.

N: "Screw the shower, wipe me off!! Is it working? Dah my eyes! I can't see! Stop laughing you jerk! It's still coming! It wont stop dripping grey paint."

B: "Seriously Natalie, this is so freaking funny."

N: "If I could see right now I would punch you."

Finally I wash my hair in the bath 5 times and four more times including vinegar and olive oil and it finally stops dripping grey death. Brewerman is still laughing. Good news is paint thinner takes off years of grime in the shower so it's never been cleaner. My hair seems to not be too bleached but I still smell like paint thinner, and my hands are still cramped into creepy looking claws. 

Did I mention everything still needs a second coat tomorrow? I also just read that paint thinner makes your hair fall out and bleaches it down to the root. I am going to be one sexy lady. Freaking google..

***Sorry for the cussing. Not really. I may or may not be a tad high right now from paint fumes.***